Another member posted a tutorial about Pickme-ism yesterday that got me thinking about what kinds of things I would tell other women who are struggling to understand this concept.

When I finally worked up the courage (and anger) to leave an abusive relationship (the first time) a couple of years ago, I was a total wreck. The abusive man in my life had come at the tail end of a string of LVMs that I had dated almost back to back. Each of them was destructive in some way (usually emotionally/psychologically abusive or extremely codependent), and each relationship chipped away at my sense of self, my confidence, and my intuition. Those relationships also engulfed my life.

Despite the way they treated me, and my knowledge that it was wrong, I had become so trauma-bonded to these men that I felt completely unable to leave. The fluctuating extreme highs and lows were addictive; proponents of famous psychologist BF Skinner refer to this intermittent reinforcement, my best friend referred to it as the dopamine sine wave. I always wanted just one more hit, and always promised myself if it didn't work out after that time I would surely leave. About 99% of the time, that was a lie.

The fact that I could not leave when I wanted to caused me to seek out support from a women's only 12-step group for sex and love addiction. Initially I was (like most newcomers) in denial about whether or not I was an addict. At first I agreed that I was a love/relationship addict, but not a sex addict (again, like most newcomers), but as I continued attending meetings and thinking about my situation I realized that I was addicted to both. Not in a pornographic kind of way, but in terms of positive attention/validation. Observing both of my parents dart from one twisted relationship to the next while ignoring their kids taught me that people only love you if you're romantically involved with them; their lack of love and protection was all the more reason to seek comfort and safety in a man.

I was very promiscuous from age 19-24. I always thought if I just tried hard enough, if I was just cool enough, and if I just didn't have too many needs that a good man would find me and love me. Unfortunately, these men never delivered comfort or safety, but rather, the opposite. Nevertheless, I was always in hot pursuit. This made a lot of men pity me and a lot of women hate me.

In addition to relationships and sexual validation, I was also getting little addictive "hits" from what the program referred to as *intriguing* with a guy-- e.g., making prolonged eye contact, purposefully showing up in places where I knew I would see him, etc. Coming face to face with the reality that had been my romantic life left me aghast. It was then that I decided to fully quit men for the foreseeable future and recover my life in every sense of the word.

I completed the 12 steps and experienced a ton of growth over the following year, so much so that I was able to finally leave the abusive relationship for good and take an extended break from doing so much as even talking to men (outside of the interactions necessary for day to day life). This was a very healing experience. Now, I am in the beginning stages of a relationship with a man that I believe to be an HVM (though I will admit that I cannot fully gauge this as a fact yet, since we haven't been together long enough).

The thing that continues to help guide me in the right direction, and which came up again last night while reading u/modernmedusaa 's Pick Me 101 post, is the idea that a person can make literally *anything* her higher power. Simply put, a person worships that which she devotes the most time and energy to. For many women, pickmeishas in particular, attention/approval from men is their higher power. During my darkest pickme days, I felt empty unless I was getting these things. I had tried and tried to fill that hole with attention from man after man, only to deplete myself entirely in the process.

These are just my musings on the motives behind being a pickmeisha and the reason why attention from men was such a driving force in my life (for way too long). I recognize that not everyone will identify as an addict; I myself came to believe that my sex/love "addiction" was really more of a destructive attachment disorder (which is what many women in the S.L.A.A program believe as well).

Regardless of what you call your relationship to bad men and being liked, I would encourage any woman still struggling with LVMs and serial monogamy (or promiscuity) to ask yourself: What is your higher power?