Adulthood has been an absolute fucking journey for me and reading FDS has been cathartic in my healing. I always knew deep down inside how fucked up and disgustingly society treats women and expects them to behave in relationships, but I didn't want to feel alone in standing up to injustices. Being in a relationship with a man was my path to having some semblance of emotional support and stability. I was one of those kids from a messed up family and spent my youth in abusive, one-sided relationships with LVM and NVM in relationships that moved too fast, like living together in the first three months among other unhealthy habits. There was always lingering porn and semi-cheating issues that made me insecure, but I was also a people pleaser who wanted to be the cool girlfriend so I went between stuffing my emotions and having mental breakdowns constantly because they made me feel terrible about myself, yet I spent every single day with them and let them fester my life like a bed bug infestation. I let my toxic relationships distract me from just being a kid and hanging out with my friends.

My dad is an absolute NVM. He hated his life, and let everyone know it was because he had to work to support myself, my sister and my mom. He is physically, emotionally and financially abusive to my mother, and he treats my sister like absolute dirt. Everything was about him. Growing up, we were poor and instead of budgeting money, he spent it on things he wanted because he felt entitled to nice things because he worked, then would yell at my mom for buying a magazine. I live on my own and have been trying very hard to get my mother to leave him and come live with me, but she won't. I absolutely grew up to be a people pleaser and a cool girl because I harbored a lot of guilt for existing and needing things. It has trickled into my friendships, romantic relationships and career. It trickled into my free time. If someone wanted to hang out with me, I felt too guilty to say no if I would rather stay home that day. I used to pick up so much overtime at work because I wanted to be an asset to my job, and be important, even if it killed me.

I have desperately been wanting to be a HVW for years, before I even found FDS. And it was hard. It felt strange and uncomfortable setting boundaries and standing up for myself. I still have moments where I fail, then I have to deal with letting go of my anger about it. But now I demand and ask for more that benefits me. It's amazing to just live my life and not worry how I'm seen in the eyes of a man. I have been smoke-free for about 4 or 5 years now, I haven't cut myself in 6 years. I just left a job that was draining my happiness and started a more challenging role that intimidates me and pays more. A pay raise!!! A better company!! Because I looked at my current situation and said "fuck this" because I realized how toxic the culture was and instead of letting negative people at work put me down, I decided I could do better and put the skills I spent years learning and improving at a facility that won't be so shitty and negative.

I went from being raped by my boyfriends and pretending its okay to letting men do everything for me and not feeling a pang of guilt over it. I went from begging and explaining my feelings to being perfectly willing to leave someone I love over not being treated right. I ended friendships even though it hurt my heart to do so and learned to move on. I have been in situations where I still didn't have the courage to stand up for myself towards a bully co-worker, but then let it go and didn't stew on it for days after I clocked out. It has not been an easy process, but I feel so mentally clear and calm not bending to peoples will and feeling so negative about myself.

For the first time in my life, I am putting myself first and as a result, I love the life I'm living. I actually love myself. Like, if I would rather spend the day home working on a project, I do that instead of entertaining people because I feel like I have to. I stopped working overtime, and trying to please my employers and it is so amazing to spend my days off doing what I love and picking up hours on my terms if I want something nice. I'm actually going to change the trajectory of my career because I care less about being the best in my field, and I would rather just do a job with lower stress. I don't do stuff for men anymore. I have gotten so sick of hopping from one shitty boyfriend to the next, and allowing these relationships to invade all my fucking time. If a man wants to date me and be in my home all the time, I am enforcing my standards.

It has not been an easy road but its been worth it. And honestly, I fucking love FDS because it encourages women to be empowered and put themselves over relationships. Life is really awesome and cool when you're living it on your terms. I can't fathom ever wanting to get married at this point because I am enjoying my life so much. This process has been HARD and it took a lot of time to go from being a pickme to being the way I am now, and I still need to work on things. next stop is therapy. but for all the recovering pickmes, please keep moving in the right direction. it is so worth it in the end to be a better person!