Ok huge disclaimer- unless you LIKE to debate or argue with your partner. Some people legit like to get into heated, passionate debates. Im talking to the ladies who like to enjoy a more relaxed, happy-go-lucky or go with the flow attitude. I consume huge amounts of books. I avoid the news, but I'm very spiritual, open minded, love to learn. That's not the issue.

But back in my pick-me days (mostly due to low experience dating men... Yes I'd met or "hung out"with guys before, but had only one or two "relationships"with men). I thought that I should unconditionally accept guys personality... Way too early. Save your unconditional love for the future love (future husband if you want marriage), but be VERY discerning about a guy's day to day temperament.

As a pick me, I used to "fall for guys"after less than a month. Now, I take everything with a grain of salt and I don't mentally "commit"myself to a guy before 4+months so that I can really EVALUATE the guy. Don't get so caught up in the romance you feel like you need to be with him because "I love him". How's his personality? Does he constantly debate?

That's what this post is about. My ex wanted to"debate" everything. If I liked red, he liked blue. If I consider blue, he suddenly likes red and I'm an idiot for blue. This is a narcissist game. OR you got Mr Debate Team Captain and you should release him to find the lawyer chick who actually wants to debate his ass on the minutae of life.

My coworker is like this. He married his wife after ten years of dating when she was 34. He's 40+. He debates EVERYTHING. It's so annoying. Like I can't even enjoy my chicken sandwich without hearing about why chicken sandwiches are xyz. And then he wants me to conversationally masturbate him by asking his views on things. And that quality in a partner is just awful. It really wears you down. And it's subtle-it's not like it's "abuse" which is why I'm making this post.

My ex did it -debated everything, made very inflammatory comments (like talking about false rape accusations etc- just ANYTHING even if it's gross just to prick you and heat you up), then would tell me to "relax, let's just try to enjoy the day" after starting a debate/argument about MY opinions.

Here's a hint- true lovers of debate and lawyer types aside- guys who constantly "play devil's advocate" are verrrrrrry sneaky. At first you think you are sharing your ideas together, then you realize it's uncomfortable that you can't share anything without it being subjected to intense scrutiny and pessimism, and it starts to poison how you feel. It's to throw you off kilter so you feel crazy and don't realize this guy sucks.

This applies to pick me's because pick me's care about how other people feel and think way more than themselves so they might not even notice themselves getting stressed and agitated. I was in a constant state of stress around my ex. They will pick a million debates/arguments, tell you to "relax" and then shame and gaslight you for it.

With my ex, I told him "does every fucking thing have to be an argument?" He acted like he understood but never stopped the behavior. If anything he ramped it up- he would ask for and agree with his roommate's opinions, then when I offer my opinion which is the same as the roommate, he would have something critical to say or change up on me.

It's a game and a tactic low value (aka energy-draining losers who feel like they have to prove something or have people admire them). Even worse when they tell you you are close minded when you just want to enjoy your sunny day off in a relaxed state of mind, maybe NOT get into a tense debate every time you ever open your mouth.

Tl;dr You are entitled to enjoy the peace and pace of life that you like- sometimes a low value man will masquerade as a "great thinker" and women confuse "countless little arguments over trivial minutae" as "passionate intellectual conversations" until 6 months later they look like hell, are walking on eggshells and don't feel like themselves/like they are babysitting. I enjoy living in the moment and that's ok, I'm allowed to reject a guy who wants to debate constantly. And if you like to debate everything, that's fine too, this guy might be good for you. But girls who are less experienced and think this is the norm (it's not, tons of laid back guys out there who prioritize autonomy and peace over daily picking arguments over viewpoints and opinions)- not all guys are like this. You are allowed to objectively assess this guy and see how you feel when you are with him, how you feel without him, and which you prefer. Don't jump into "loving him"before you determine if you can stand being around him, because if you commit before the rose colored glasses come off, you end up with this weird sense of obligation and guilt to stay with him. Oh, and he'll debate you if you break it off-nobody needs to agree with your decision to do that either.