https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201310/testosterone-fuels-both-competition-and-protectiveness

Hi everyone, first post here and hope you like it. This is not really scientific, just musings on social behavior and hormones. I wanted to write this because a lot of people have the misconception that women being "strong" means men have to be "weak." Sure, people of any gender can choose to be masculine or feminine (you do you!) but I am speaking more of assertiveness and what is described in the definition of a High Value Man post. That post struck me, as it is what I strive to be and what I look for in friends and a man (yes, I treat my best girl friends to dinner sometimes).

So, this article here gave me some hope because I often encounter men who are aggressive or passive-aggressive but have to dig a bit to find the assertive ones. A lot of people bemoan "men aren't allowed to be men anymore!" And "we are forcing boys to be feminine." I don't think so. I think men and boys are still aggressive but maybe have adopted more passive-aggressive methods to be more socially acceptable. I think women are also sold a lie that they have to act "masculine" to earn respect. Men who are strong will not have to be passive-aggressive or outright aggressive.

Passive-aggressive is almost worse because the behavior is so weak (won't tell you what they want, won't tell you their opinions, "yes-dear," boring conversation, will not open up and show their opinions, etc.). Then they eventually turn it around and get in little negs/digs because they are grown-ass people who refuse to learn how to communicate. Mind you, I am a very gentle person and years ago tried to build up someone like this. No dice. The self-pitying on their end (for no reason) got old and I felt so tired, like an emotional caretaker. From what I witnessed, such passive-aggressive dudes are often looking for "a girlfriend" and don't seem to see YOU as a person. You are in the box of "this is what a girlfriend is supposed to be like" and any of your actual opinions are given a "yes dear" while being ignored. These dudes might have porn-induced ED in their early 20s and have no desire to correct it, or throw subtle shade at the girlfriend. A passive-aggressive dude can make you feel hurt and disrespected while also guilt-tripping you and making you wonder if you really are the problem. It is not henpecking to say "please just tell me what you want/have an opinion!." A guy like this may be unscientifically labeled Low-T, especially if they don't seem to be passionate about anything and life life with the least resistance. This is a huge turn-off.

On the other hand, you have outwardly aggressive dudes. They may tell you their opinions, but often their opinions are shit (e.g. misogynistic, hobby gatekeeping, puts you down, says what you like is stupid). Basically more obvious characteristics of an abusive relationship and thinks similarly to the passive-aggressive guy but is more open about it. The aggressive type may hide behind "manliness" or hyper-masculine interests ("I'm just a man, so while I am intellectually superior to you I am also a slave to my penis and all my shit behavior can be excused. Do 2x as more as me and maybe you will be worthy of mildly pleasing me"). It's very unhealthy and probably a recipe for high blood pressure. Such a dude may be armchair diagnosed as high-T. This is also a huge turn-off.

Do some women do the above behaviors? Yes. And I am saying not all men do the above behaviors, just a fraction. But, this sub is aimed at women, hence I am speaking to a heterosexual woman audience. Both types of above behavior are unhealthy and will destroy the person doing the behavior and the people around them.

So, where does the testosterone fit in? Yes, everyone has it and there are stereotypes. I have caught shit in the past for being into stereotypically "high-T" dudes. Those with a personality, values, passion, high sex drive, and protectiveness. Some have told me I am expecting too much for them to act decent, and I need to expect some aggressive behavior. Some have said they are going to act like assholes with high T. Well, voila, the above article says T can act as a protective oxytocin-like factor. A feminine woman like myself LOVES it when a dude is protective like I am over my friends ("they said WHAT to you? You are awesome and they suck"). I have male friends who have "high T" behavior and are not afraid to tell me men who have disrespected me don't deserve excuses and trust. They are willing to call out bad behavior when it happens. My ex oozed testosterone and treated me better than anyone else. He never made excuses for dudes who were misogynistic or treated others like shit (the relationship fell apart for other reasons). A strong, high-T HVM can be an advocate and have pro-social beliefs/behaviors. They are out there, ladies!!

Thank you for being such a positive community and reinforcing our right to be treated like we treat others. You are enough and deserve everything and more. <3