I, unfortunately, compare myself to other people--a lot of people in my outer circles are either involved with someone or engaged to be married. Some are already done with school while others have a great job that adds value to their lives. I'm still a graduate student, with one more semester left since I wanted to add a stem cell biology concentration. Plus, my PI for my research job wants me to ideally stay for that semester until she finds more people for the job. I know that staying will do be good since she will be writing me a letter of recommendation when it comes time to apply for PA school. I'm always trying to be in her good graces since she is such an amazing mentor to me. I'm currently also in the middle of applying for healthcare-related jobs so that I could have patient care experience. While working in other jobs to get money is good, I feel that my capabilities make me better than just an ordinary job that gives me money.

Romantically speaking, I broke up with my ex almost two years ago and have not been looking. Something that I stand by is that I will never ever be caught using a dating app--I've heard absolute horror stories and I do not have the energy to swipe right or left for someone who isn't worth my time. I feel like I'm missing out by not having a boyfriend, and there were times when I considered unblocking my ex but after seeing posts on here, I realized that that is not the wisest of decisions to do--it's kind of like going three steps backward instead of forward. I also have these thoughts where I can't ever do better than my ex, that he is literally the best I will ever have. I don't want to be one to date around and I just don't want to be hurt again. I also have this thinking where I don't want to be the one to look for someone, but that they'll look for me. That's why I'm doing me until I'm ready but it just gives me major FOMO seeing people in relationships or getting engaged and stuff. Makes me feel that I made the wrong decision by breaking up with him but I did so because I didn't want to settle anymore. I keep thinking, would he have made a good spouse? A good father? And the answer would be a no. It's been almost a year since he's been blocked, as he reached out to me asking to hang out. I felt bad because I had said the day after I broke up. with him that I wanted to stay friends and he agreed. However, therapy did wonders for me--I realized my worth and accepted the fact that I am able to change my mind--I blocked him after that encounter as he was being an unchanged jerk.

I would have to say, despite my off days, I am the happiest I've been. I take myself on dates to museums, zoos, aquariums, and any place that I learn something from. I do it on my own time, and I feel that I am at most myself when I'm on my own. I cultivate the love and energy that I gave to my ex, to my friends and family--I feel that I am more present. I realized that it isn't hard to spend time with someone--LVM's go weeks or months without seeing their girlfriends but it's literally not rocket science to plan something with someone that you care about--it takes me and my friends under 20 minutes to plan something and I never have to worry about unnecessary cancellations. I lost a crap-ton of healthy weight, as I was the heaviest with him--I went back to the gym lately and have been eating well for the past two weeks. This year, Galentine's Day was the best Valentine's I've ever had--my face hurt from smiling the whole time and we treated ourselves to a wonderful French dinner. I've been doing all that I could to add value to my life, but when is it the right time to put yourself out there? When is it ever the right time to let good people in? I keep generalizing that all men suck, but all men do suck until someone proves me wrong.