I recently broke up with my LVX. We were together for almost 2 years. We had a huge age gap and he noticed me while I was new to a big city and all alone. I wasn’t making any friends and gravitated toward him cause I was so lonely. There was a 19 year gap, but I was so alone and have no family, few real friends, so naturally he took advantage.

I hate myself so much but I’m realizing now all the glaring red flags. For one, within the first week, while he was driving me around he used to molest me by touching my thighs. I used to hit him and he saw it as a joke. He only stopped when I reinforced the boundary and told him we no longer were talking if he didn’t stop. He was seeking 19 year old girls romantically even though he was 44. I’m so sad to think what he did with the 17yo girls he worked with. He used to brag they came on to him but he rejected them. I now know that’s a lie.

He coerced me to revamp a relationship with my abusive parents. Of course I started getting PTSD and he only stopped the coercion when I told him that if he required I continue with the relationship we are breaking up. He continued to gaslight my past abuse and trauma.

He was overall a depraved man. I could write a book on all the red flags. In the end I only broke up with him cause I got a career opportunity to move away and he offered to pay half my rent cross country. It was a full on sugar daddy request.

Now looking back I see what a loser he was. He told me he “used to” cheat on girls. He had an affair on his ex wife. He had a separate affair with an ex girlfriend. He quit all his high profile jobs in his 20s cause his parents were rich and he felt he was above the work. He invested in businesses and they all failed. He has a worthless degree and extreme debt. He spent most of his free time either with me or taking his ex to court over parenting issues that I now believe to be fabricated on his part.

I don’t have room to mess up in life. I’m basically all alone so I have really high expectations for myself. I can’t be messing up like this. I just can’t get over how much I ignored. It’s like I was completely blind when dating him and now I’m sick to my stomach in chronic fear of myself and my decisions. How could I be so blind and easily manipulated? How do I get past this and restore faith in myself?