I don't care to get into all the details, but I have a relationship which is going very well right now, but unfortunately due to a very controlling and abusive ex with whom I have to co-parent and a divorce in progress, I have kept my relationship underground for a prolonged period of time. It's been long enough and I've made enough headway that I've decided that I don't care if my ex finds out from other people, it's just that it's not necessary for me to tell my ex as it is not relevant or necessary for me to do so. It's solely my business, until and if I feel it is appropriate for this new partner to meet my child at some point. Really, the worst my ex could do is put a morality clause in the divorce which is not yet finalized (it's been over a year since separation), and I don't think adhering to one of those would really be a problem as I'm very cautious where my daughter is involved. My current partner has respected my need for privacy and has been okay with keeping things discreet. He seems like a private person anyhow, as am I. His closest family members know. Mine do too. We've each met these family members also. He was married for 25ish years and he has not had a new partner meet his kids (who are now adult) since his divorce. Thing is, now I want to signal to him that it is time to stop being quite so covert. At our last time together, he said that as far as his coworkers are aware, he is 'single and not looking'. I felt disturbed, especially after being immersed in FDS posts recently and thinking very critically about red flags, but then snapped out of it realizing that I need to tell him it's time for us to take it to the next level, and then see what his response is before judging too harshly due to my circumstances. However, if he responds with barriers, I will judge harshly. LOL. He's either been willing to do this for my benefit, or it's benefitted him for some reason not to publicize our relationship, which is certainly on my mind.

So my new partner and I are planning a date for this weekend. When we get together, we often have dinner right away whether one of us cooks or we get take-out, a movie, then sexy time, and I don't feel like broaching this before dinner (food will get cold lol) or after dinner, as I'll be stressed while I'm eating which is no fun. I feel it's critical to have this convo, but I'm also anxious as hell as setting limits and with men in particular. I'm not going to let my anxiety hold me back as I'm at a stage in my life where things must be said and done, but I'm thinking about the best way to approach this for my wellbeing depending on how it goes. I'm wondering if I should add in a visit the day before our date for a coffee and talk so I can say my piece, which for the record is that I feel that the concerns that I had about keeping our relationship on the down low (for the most part) have been largely resolved, and while I will still have some anxiety about potential backlash, that I think it's time that we consider that reason is no longer a barrier, and that I don't want it to be a secret that we are dating with respect to his closest coworkers and whatnot. I want him to know that I feel invisible, direspected and devalued if the secrecy continues. It's not necessary for him to broadcast it, but he is perfectly able to indicate that he is dating and provide comments about his social life, as I have now done with some of my coworkers. If he says the right things (ie, yes, he was just waiting for the green light), we go ahead with our date the next night, and if he doesn't, well, then we don't because I am going to need some time and space to process that. I feel like this is going to stress me out until we get to talk about it, because I hate that feeling of having something to get off my chest and just waiting...and waiting... it's exhausting. So: any suggestions for what to say, or whether it makes sense to have a dedicated in-person talk with no other plans attached. I'm prepared to walk out if I'm not liking the answer, which I think is the most important part of this equation (therefore I won't do it at my place!). Any other thoughts? Please don't tear me to pieces as the comments can be pretty harsh here, I'm just looking for practical advice on how to implement the philosophy here and move on with or without this relationship in a productive way.