It may sound really obvious but this is huge for me to have figured this out. I just dont know where to begin now. Without a percievidly "hot cool guy" being into me I feel like anyone who's deemed me replaceable or unworthy most recently is right in their assessment. And that if I can get the next "hot" guy to like me I cant prove the most recent rejector wrong. This has been a terrible life draining cycle for me beginning with my escape from a sociopathic "ex". My self esteem was great before that, but since that, I kept having to "prove him wrong" in my head by getting attractive men to sleep with me only to have them then throw me out also.

In the wake of my sociopathic "ex" All that I've been able to prove is that many many men are happy to sleep with me because I'm reasonably effable, but do not see value in me otherwise. To make matters worse, men who seemed to respect me would change towards me as soon as that first intimate moment with them. My damage just kept getting worse and more conditioned from this repeated experience. After a controlling first relationship I used to see the ability to sleep around as freedom. It felt good at first. But when the rejections started rolling in I got caught scrambling in the undertow. now I just feel like I unknowingly played into the hands of many people who got to use me for free.

Its addicting in a sad way, because here I am after my most recent fresh painful "rejection" and no way to get my validation fix, if you will.

I had found a dream guy based on my values. But he lived too far away. I went to visit him once. It was meant to be a Romantic whirl wind weekend and then I was going to be realistic and say goodbye. Also as a way to protect my feelings. I knew he would end up getting a girl nearby. Unfortunatly he managed to make me feel wonderful and respected the entire trip and even better afterwards when he insisted we see each other again! He was very specific about and wanted me to come down again soon. I had very painfully and carefully built up walls to make sure I wasn't expecting to see him again. That in itself is pretty pathetic. But he busted them down and gave me hope.

Of course, as initially expected, He pulled away silently but insisted on staying in touch. He Never let me know directly if and when he had lost interest in a future chance at romance with me, or that he had started seeing some one new. I had no idea where I stood with him so I just assumed he'd "let me know". After I finally nailed him down for an answer about setting up a visit he made it clear he could not plan a visit due his work schedule. After all, he had a BIG DEAL he was working on. (Salesman. I know I know dont even say it)

So We continue sending each other memes and hoofing around. Fun little things here and there. I felt valued for my personality fir the first time in a long time. Because, omg he slept with me but still wants to talk to Meeeee!? It was so validating to me at the time that against MY WISHES I remained in contact with this man. It was my proof to myself that a man i liked could want me around. Then of course I found out this Monday through A FB RELATIONSHIP STATUS CHANGE that he is now officialy with some girl i've never heard of. Through all our keeping in touch and communication he magically failed to mention this new relationship to me and was perfectly fine with me finding out through fb. 50 comments under the status with everyone gushing about how wonderful they are together and how happy everyone is that they "finally got together". Whats worse is I know All the things we talked about they will do together. I was trying to get him to go to a festival I was going to this year but he couldn't because his "festival group was too big". Instead of just talking me, and telling me honestly it was because he had a girl he was planning to take.

Now, was this man the center if my world? No. But after my self worth and heart and body had been tossed in the blender so many times I was unknowingly using his continued interest in me as my proof that I was loveable. I had my entire self worth riding on his treatment of me. I truly thought that when work calmed down for him he would want to plan a trip.and if not that he would respectfully tell me no and why.

Or better yet, that when he fell in love with some one more close and practical THAT HE WOulD LeT ME KNOW. Give me that dignity. It would have taken ONE. SINGLE.PARAGRAPH.TEXT. to make me feel at peace with the situation. Here's an example: "Hi, I need to let you know I've fallen in love with some one here and its getting serious. I really enjoyed my time with you and am sad we dont live closer, but understandably I will not be planning any visits. If you still want to stay in touch as friends that's fine but I understand if you dont." All I wanted was that if he lost interest he would let me know. I've never had a man do this for me. They like me on the hook. So something needs to change. And I know what they are.

I have two main problems here. ONE- I was using him to prove I had value to myself. This is obviously not good. TWO- lack of communication on his end, and lack of empathy for my feelings. He seemed like the type who would care for my feelings. He wasn't.

Turns out putting all your self worth on some one else's assessment can make you feel like there's no point in living when it goes sour. I was catatonic for the last 3 days. Or crying hysterically. Or being extremely angry. I spent all yesterday telling every single" hook up guy" I've collected in any chat group, Instagram, snap chat to EF OFF. It was very cathartic. It also means that my little addiction for attention and validation suddenly has NO WHERE TO GO. Yes I'm working out, yes I'm eating healthy yes I'm improving my career and myself. Im looking for more.

Does anyone have any more creative lines of thought I can try? Or maybe just stories of your own healing? I'm not going sit here and wonder why I'm easy to toss. I know I've got alot going for me, but I dont feel I have anyway to prove all those assholes wrong. This one in particular. He has the looks, the money, the job, the cars, the respect of his peers, an awesome sense of fun and adventure. And truly, he was the most pleasant to be around in person. It's not healthy to want to one up somebody, I know. I know. But seriously what actually helped any of you in this kind of situation? How do I feel valuable and vindicated that I'm a person of value without seeking out attention from some one "better than him". I feel like my head exploded. I have years before my career picks up. Im on an actual two year track. Probably over a year working on my fitness. Right now I just feel like an under construction loser with no value. So great for me two years from now when all my efforts pay off. But how the ef do I get through TOMORROW without looking for a new "better" form of make validation?