This is my first time posting on this sub. Reading through the compiled wisdom here has been completely life changing. I grew up in an extremely abusive home and my family was extremely homophobic. I remember my father going on and on about how disgusting gay people were, how they should be killed, it's against God (he's not religious). I internalized this a lot so when I started realizing that I was attracted to women it was horrifying. I was around 9 or 10 when I can remember first being worried that something was wrong with me. It kept me up at night in horror. Was I born a boy/hermaphrodite and had my parents had me surgically changed as a baby? I couldn't accept that I was gay. It was too awful a thought. It just couldn't be. I began to hurt myself. I forced things inside myself and hurt myself that way to try and force myself straight. As I got older, 14ish I pretended I was promiscuous and experienced because that's what lib fems said was cool. I just remember being so full of self loathing. My mothers constant refrain of 'men don't like when you...' or 'if you gain one more pound you're going to be disgusting' (I wasn't at all overweight) or the many other things she said that let me know I only existed to please men and had no worth otherwise. In high school I became an alcoholic, cocaine addict and was in rehab by 16. I got sober for almost a year and then started drinking again. Got drunk at a party and ended up having sex for the first time. I felt like I had to to keep up appearances, I had been lying about being a slut for years and felt I had to maintain that. Being a slut seemed so much better than being gay. So I went into a tent with a guy and literally hopped on for like 30 seconds then had a breakdown and took off back to the party. This scrote has the audacity to say that he lasted so long I had to stop. Like he was bragging, I think he was genuinely proud of his manly prowess. How delusional! After this I got heavy into drugs again. A cycle of drugs and alcohol, sex and self loathing followed. I was in rehab two more times by the time I was 25. I came out to some friends as bi but still couldn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my father until I was 27 and had a girlfriend. He took it ok but the amount of stress I had about it was intense. I've been with her ever since and I couldn't be happier but somehow, throughout all the hateful garbage I still kept my father on a pedestal. He was my hero. It was a bond created because as a child my mother was so horrifically abusive that he seemed amazing in comparison. I didn't start to let go of these thought distortions until I fell in love with my girlfriend. I started to see that he wasn't perfect. Then I began to see how he had hurt me, damaged me to the point of no return. Then I found FDS and I realized he is a LVM. I had been putting him on a pedestal and because he was the bar I held men to, I allowed them to treat me like garbage. I was the ultimate pick me, pathetically degrading myself for male approval. Even after I was had come out as gay I was a pick me. So fucking embarrassing. Now that I've found FDS I can see and recognize which behaviors to watch for. I've started calling my father out on some of his shit. I no longer feel the need to be polite to males. I'm done existing for the male gaze. Screw them.

If you're still reading, thank you! This got a little rambling but I guess I needed to get it out. You are an amazing group of women and I'm so glad I found you!