Role-Reversal: Don't Do It

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-02T18:06:16+00:00

This is literally something I struggle with.

SigourneyReaver · 2020-03-03T01:07:02+00:00

I have a loooot of insight on this topic, thanks to a long relationship that suffered and ended due to a similar dynamic.

Thanks to a kinda crappy childhood with self-involved parents who were very intermittent in their demonstration of love, I have perfectionist behaviors and a strong drive to be independent and self-sufficient, which on the good side, made me relatively quite successful as a woman. I have a great job and do very well financially.

But thanks to the abandonment/self-esteem issues, I also have a codependency problem. I simultaneously feel compelled to "over-provide". Like the author pointed out, part of me is probably, literally, trying to buy the affection and loyalty of my SO through an overabundance of generosity. And at the same time, the other part of me is trying (overly hard, frankly) to prove to everyone that I am not a burden, like Mom and Dad said I was as a kid.

A high-earning codependent is an LVM MAGNET! It's hard enough to dodge every fixer-upper who wants you to be his sugar mama out of the gate. But even ongoing relationships can develop this dynamic if people like me don't keep their codependent behaviors in major check.

It's great that you CAN afford to provide a nice lifestyle for yourself and it's natural to want to be generous to the special person in your life. But don't dig a trap for yourself out of over-providing. Women like us need to stop projecting our need for love and support into a transaction in which we feel like we need to "pay for all our needs" through gifts and acts of service. We need instead to retrain ourselves to set up a path of expectation of reciprocity. That's where FDS is extremely important, because those expectations need to be articulated from the outset, so that we can build resistance to the manipulations of selfish men who demand exactly the sort of transaction from us that is so unhealthy.

99power · 2020-03-02T22:41:02+00:00

Hard lesson to learn.

boiledgatorade_ · 2020-03-02T19:28:16+00:00

This slapped me into next Tuesday!

Title	Role-Reversal: Don't Do It
Author	Radtron3000
Upvotes	36
Comments	7
Date	March 2, 2020 6:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fcg3ve/rolereversal_dont_do_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/role-reversal-dont-do-it.681111 https://theredarchive.com/post/681111

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