~ archived since 2018 ~

Screening your dating pool for your ideal partner, longterm strategies. What techniques do you use to screen out bad actors and identify good potential matches over the long term when you're not ready to date at the moment you meet them?

Zookeeper_2020 · 2020-07-01T15:22:03+00:00

For those of you busy levelling up or taking a break from dating how do you use your down time from dating to set up quality future dates?...

Zookeeper_2020

July 1, 2020

30 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

Archived from /r/FemaleDatingStrategy

r/FemaleDatingStrategy is a subreddit where the focus is on effective dating strategies for women who know what they want, and want to take control of their dating lives. The focus is also on strategies to maintain a healthy relationship that benefits women.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill subreddits and blogs. This page is our copy of the original post.

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

PDF TXT EPUB

Support the archive

Everything here was supposed to disappear. Banned subreddits, deleted communities, cancelled blogs — much of what is archived here survives nowhere else.

It stays free — no paywall, no account — for the next man who comes looking, the way it was free for you.

I pay for the servers, the storage and the bandwidth myself. If you want this record still standing in ten years, become one of the people who keeps it online.

Support the archive

Post Information

Title	Screening your dating pool for your ideal partner, longterm strategies. What techniques do you use to screen out bad actors and identify good potential matches over the long term when you're not ready to date at the moment you meet them?
Author	Zookeeper_2020
Upvotes	30
Comments	12
Date	July 1, 2020 3:22 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hjcaon/screening_your_dating_pool_for_your_ideal_partner/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/screening-your-dating-pool-for-your-ideal-partner.703454 https://theredarchive.com/post/703454

Comments

[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple29 points30 points31 points 6 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

Read the FDS handbook at least 2-4 times fully first.

My screening criteria:

NO SEX or anything beyond making out/kissing until 3-4 months. Preferably 5-6 months if you can hold out. Use this time to vet their behaviors in different settings (NO home dates until you can verify/do a background check and know them at least 2 months....don't go over their house if you will have sex or cave either) on nonsexual dates.
Do not assume you are exclusive/girlfriend until they specifically ask and do not feel obligated to delete dating apps. You are going on dates with different men that are nonsexual to assess comparability/connection for a future HVM and it's okay to say "I am flattered you want me to be your girlfriend and delete my dating apps. I am going on dates with men to assess comparability/connection so I can become someone's wife. I do not want to be a girlfriend and will continue to go on harmless coffee dates until a man gives me an offer I can't refuse. I do not want to wait years for a man to test drive me and decide if I am good enough to marry. I am hoping to find a man that can give me an offer I can't refuse and become their forever wife."
- You will scare the shit out of LVM/NVM that want to pump/dump or use you for a few years a a girlfriend this way and that's OKAY. They don't deserve your time. Keep doing this over and over until there are a pool of potentially HV suitors and continue going on nonsexual dates
- Know your role and act accordingly. Don't do GF shit when you are a date or dating. Don't do fiance shit if you are okay with being a GF. Don't do wife shit if you are a fiance. Make that distinction clear so they know there is inherent value to your time/energy/attention

If a man can't take a first step in initiating a thoughtful, considerate date that does not insinuate sex as an outcome for participating--do not consider them

If a man expects the "talking" phase to be substantial in the dating process, they are most likely LV. Anyone who is HV knows that "talking texting routine BS" is not really getting to know anything about a person unless you meet them and spend time together. At that point, they are just a stranger that texts you a few times a day and nothing more. There needs to be more for that to be worthwhile for YOU and you don't owe them any more attention than what they put in.

[+][deleted] 6 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[+][deleted] 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]GIfuckingJaneFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Elegant-StopFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

I am sure that's a tough spot to be in with your relationship and you are probably reflecting on this after finding FDS more. I was a FDS lurker in a long term Forever Fiance situation (inexpensive ring and "basically married" for at least 4+ years) before having to assess what would make me happy and putting myself first. It's a process and you have to be honest with who you are, who you want to be, and what you dream/envision for yourself moving forward. You should NEVER settle for less.

Reassessing a relationship typically occurs at the point where you are noticing a repeated pattern of behavior or empty promises that are not being honored within your relationship that lead you to question if it's in your best interests to remain invested. Women in long term relationships feel compelled to "make it work" and are often socialized by peers, family, friends, etc. to overlook the relationship concerns because of the "time spent/invested" with a partner. Research sunk cost fallacy and some of the FDS posts related to this topic to learn more.

In relationships, life becomes intertwined with the time you spent, energy invested with another person, and money spent to merge your lives as a partnership. This can make it difficult to debunk relationship myths in the moment.

Here is some very honest feedback that I hope you know is coming from a place of compassion and empathy so you can assess the following:

What does "being poor" have to do with the fact that you communicated that you want to be married? There are people in poverty who get married all the time. Marriage is not about having a wedding which is one of the biggest expenses in the marriage process outside of the legal paperwork and name changes/applications. It offers many tax benefits to low income folx and legal benefits.
Why do you want to get married to a person who is dismissing your dreams, feelings, and desire to get married? What would marriage change in your situation with your partner that you do not already have right now? It doesn't seem like it is going to improve them increasing their financial contributions or incorporate more effort towards appreciating you as a human being. There are ways to show appreciate and love that does not cost money.
Men tend to do things they WANT to do. He is telling you that he hears that you want to get married, knows it's important to you, but is CHOOSING to not take the steps he needs to take to make that happen. Is that the type of marriage you dreamed of? One where you are carrying the bulk of the responsibilities, stress, finances, and having to explicitly spell out what you need all the time from him? That sounds exhausting and lonely to me.

-What does this partner provide you that you are afraid of losing? Is it the time invested, security, and/or friendship?

-Why do you value and want marriage right now? There is no timeline to get married in life. Marriage is typically to provide monetary benefits (although you will get tax brakes, it won't be worth the tax brakes if you are the breadwinner or having to exhaust all the energy in making a relationship mediocre to be happy) and having an increase in legal protections. What steps has he taken to become financially ready? Based on your post, it seems like nothing and/or he is using the quarantined/covid as a crutch to make additional empty promises so he does not have to change his behavior and continue to get "wife" benefits from you without having to marry you.

-Is the courthouse wedding what you dreamed of having as a little girl planning your wedding? Did you ever have a dream wedding vision? If yes, why would this now be okay? Is having a person forever but apathetic better than the unknown adventure of finding a person who is willing to invest more into your partnership?

He is deciding he doesn't want to commit to you forever because he doesn't want to or doesn't see a need to because he feels you will be okay with the status quo. You are not okay with it. It's okay to not be okay with it. Why do you think waiting will change this fact?

[+][deleted] 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Because he's being sensible, the responsibilities that come with marriage and children are phenomenally expensive and require a lot of life skills teens have yet to aquire. If you jump the gun you will struggle and it's likely it will tear the two of you apart, you will come out worse off if you have a child in the process.

It sounds like he has been coached by a responsible elder as to the steps to take towards becoming a man and husband. Assuming you are both around the same age (and not a guy in his 20s or older dating a teen which would be predatory) he's given you a promise ring which is the correct stage to be at for a couple your age on the way to being married. He has a few more bridges to cross before he will be ready to marry and so do you, you both need this time to grow. Take this time to finish your education, build your support network and seek out wise older people in the kind of marriage you want for advice. Churches used to offer pre marriage counseling to couples, these days you can find a marriage counselor who isn't religious, they can be good for sorting through expectations and preparing you for what marriage actually involves.

I married young, as soon as I was old enough to be legally married I was raced down the isle by a guy I went to school with, when you are married (before children come along) nothing really changes as far as the day to day experience of being together goes so don't expect it will change how you feel. What does change is you are legally bound to that person including being responsible for any debt they incur, you're also locked in, if you decide it's not working later it can take years, even decades to untangle and set you back restarting your life. A woman who's old enough to marry will have a very different course of action to a teen while dating, trust me on this, wait.

[+][deleted] 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

You could try sitting down together and working out a plan, setting a time frame for when you both expect to reach certain goals. The age you're at now through to 30 are the years where people seem most likely to marry so the risk is if he doesn't marry you you could find meeting someone marriage minded more difficult once you're in your 30s.

I agree with his assessment of how he should obtain his citizenship (a friend of mine married a foreigner and he was still deported), what I'm wary of is the absence of a time frame and something like a solid plan, without a workable strategy to achieve his goals good intentions may not come to much. You should consider what if he doesn't want to get married too as is just stalling.

Another option is you say you have money, if it's the disposable income kind (not the savings kind) that is something that expands your opinions for ways to approach the problem, such as contacting an immigration lawer.