#TellHimTheTruth2020

penelopekitty · 2019-12-27T11:54:47+00:00

I like this - but as you mention, safety should be your #1 concern.

I have done this many times, especially if the man has a daughter(s). I remind him that his behavior is shameful, rude and disgusting and that by acting this way and normalizing these behaviors he his encouraging a culture of abuse against women that his daughter will(has) experience when dating. Also asking if his mother raised him to be this way and if she would be proud of him being an abusive liar is good. So many of them claim to love their mommies so much. I've only done this in person a couple of times. Most of the time it's through text or phone conversation right before I block and delete.

I still don't think it gets through to them 99% of the time, but if they are capable of feeling shame its worth a try.

I feel really awful for the daughters of these men.

FluffandRainclouds · 2019-12-27T15:35:34+00:00

While I do agree with this somewhat, let's be honest: LVM know what they are doing. They know they are being gross, sexually inappropriate, racist, whatever. I'm not their mother, teacher, or therapist and it is not my job to educate them about their behaviour.

A few years back, one of my gross LV ex-boyfriends crawled out of the woodwork to message me. We were having a fairly normal conversation and then he commented on a photo of mine.

Here's the verbatim conversation (my thoughts in brackets):

LVM: "I like your profile pic. You look pretty much how I remember. In a good way, in case there's doubt." (There wasn't, I'm beautiful.)

Me: "Thanks, I guess"

LVM: "Yeah, that's about the right response. I feel so awkward" (So, he knew it was inappropriate and immediately sets himself up as the victim of his own words)

Me: "It's weird to randomly compliment women you haven't seen in years. There's no need to discuss my looks at all. It feels unnecessary. If you wouldn't say it to a male friend or your brother, don't say it to a woman"

LVM: "I would literally say that to a male friend or brother though..." (Really? You'd randomly message a guy you haven't seen in almost 20 years that he still looks like how you remember in a good way? Sure Jan, I believe that. Do you also have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell me?)

Me: "Okay, well, don't say it to me."

LVM: "Yeah, I got that part. Anyway, I feel like I should remove myself before I make things worse."

No shit, dude.

The gross dude knew he was being gross but did it anyway, tried to play victim, tried to pretend he just talks to everyone in a gross way regardless of gender, and me, the fucking idiot who wasted her emotional energy listening to the gross thing, attempting to educate him, and not getting through to him at all.

I dated this guy for a couple of months when I was 15. I was in my mid 30s when we had this convo. He is friends of friends and I know for a fact he still does this shit. He never aged out of his high school mentality and still preys on teenagers because they are the only ones who fall for his gross behaviour.

LVM rarely if ever change and it's certainly not going to be pointing out the shitty behaviour that does it.

I am all for being honest. Just don't think you'll make a difference in their victimhood mentality.

throwawaynevermindit · 2019-12-27T17:20:59+00:00

Hard agree. I've been put off by advice on this sub to the tune of "don't say anything/don't waste your energy/don't let them know they got to you/don't validate their perspective that women are crazy." I think that's a good rule for women who are in danger of telling him off in hopes he will change for them and then pining about it/continuing to engage. If he's consistently fucking up, whatever faint hope there may be for him to improve as a person, it's not going to be on your timeline so don't even act like it's a negotiation.

But if you're past that, especially with a man you've been more significantly involved with (so, not a Tinder guy you haven't met that just told a racist joke)... let me be clear, a guy that's full of himself, that has dicked you around, that knows he has dicked you around, is going to know when you block/ignore him that it's likely because you're hurt or offended and not because you're above it all. They're not dumb. You're not actually saving a whole lot of face with that tactic, and even if you were, why is what he thinks of you still that important to you? If you are partial to the idea of having him secretly long for you because you fooled him into thinking you didn't care - not that he'll likely be fooled - you're still not over it.

Remember: silence can be mistaken for a form of consent. In some ways, you slinking off to lick your wounds in private is in fact way more convenient for these guys than you biting back is, provided you don't let yourself get caught up in the fight. Being brief in your criticism before blocking might be preferable to a full essay, if only because he won't even read the essay, but don't worry about looking "crazy" either. "Crazy" is a word men often like to throw at women when the woman has made the man uncomfortable or done something that was inconvenient for him, to try and discourage them from further discomforting/inconvenient behavior... and these men need their shitty behavior to result in some inconvenience and discomfort. From personal experience: sometimes raking a guy can, in fact, cause him acute discomfort, at least before the rationalizations set in. Especially if he thought he had you in his pocket up until you spring it on him.

As long as you're not letting yourself get sidetracked and giving his bullshit too much of your time in doing so, and as long as you're sure you're not just doing it to try and maintain his attention, feel completely free to assert yourself and say whatever you need to say to him to feel you've advocated for yourself and move on. There's nothing ill-dignified about being angry at poor behavior/poor treatment and showing it - the myth that there is will do nothing but make you less effective at defending yourself and prevent men being held accountable for their stunts. Just don't let the anger burn you up. The catharsis can, in fact, help you stop dwelling if you do it right.

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Title	#TellHimTheTruth2020
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	82
Comments	7
Date	December 27, 2019 8:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eg8owj/tellhimthetruth2020/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/tellhimthetruth2020.686148 https://theredarchive.com/post/686148

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