Hi Ladies,

Wanted to give my opinion on a few things I've seen here lately. There seem to be some new terms cropping up lately as well as redefinitions of old terms. My take is that what we are seeing here is men shifting the goalposts and young, inexperienced women and girls buying into it. Here are a few of my observations, please add anything you think I've overlooked.

LDR - Actual Definition - Long distance relationship meant that the two of you had met in person or even started out living in the same area but then due to life circumstances had to live in different cities for some period of time with the understanding that you would be coming back together soon. It also involves travelling to be together on a regular basis.

LDR - New Usage - I have seen young women describe interactions that are 100% online as LDRs. No. This is not a relationship. It is texting/talking with a stranger. I understand that many people are lonely, especially during COVID, but this is a VERY dangerous situation. Predators will use these interactions to build up a sense of false intimacy. Most of them are looking to turn things sexual and get you to send nudes or engage in some other form of online sexual activity. You do not know this person nor have you interacted with them in any meaningful way. The ONLY way to truly get to know someone is in person, over an extended period of time. My advice - DO NOT ENGAGE.

Talking Phase - This is a new one for me. In my book there is no 'talking phase.' If you match with someone online and begin chatting they have 48 hours maximum to ask you on an actual, proper date. If this does not happen within that timeframe he is a timewaster and likely keeping you in his queue as a backup option. There can be no 'talking phase' if you are following FDS. Men are using this term to keep you from thinking you are actually dating and to downgrade the status of your relationship. If he does not ask you for a date within 48 hours of matching, un-match, block delete.

Dating - If you have gone on a date and are planning more dates you are dating each other. This does not mean exclusivity, but the status of the relationship is dating. This is why we do not agree to hang out or meet up. It must be very clear that what you are doing together is going on dates. If he doesn't see it that way his intentions are not good and he does not take you seriously. If you have clearly been dating and he says 'no, we were in the talking phase,' you need to block and delete immediately. He has devalued you.

Another thing I wanted to discuss is the Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle. I'm sure many of you have experienced this and it ties in with moving the goalposts. Often men will lay it on thick in the initial stages of your interactions. They will shower you with attention and compliments, hint about the future maybe even bring up how they are marriage minded etc. This buttering up is part of the Idealizing stage of manipulation. It is intentional and designed to get you to let down your guard. You think he is really into you and may start to match his energy. Once you do this it is a signal to him to begin the Devalue phase. In this phase he will start to withdraw a bit, perhaps begin to neg you. When you bring up his change in behavior he will give excuses (busy at work, etc.) and often try to make you believe you are imagining it and nothing has changed (Gaslighting.) Sometimes they try to make it seem as if you have assumed the relationship was more serious than it actually was, even though you were acting in accordance with his words and assertions, not your own. This is the point in time you need to get out. Ghost him immediately, no explanation necessary. You already have all the information you need to know he is an abuser. Do not doubt yourself or your intuition. Ghost, block and delete. If you don't it is only a matter of time before he Discards you. This is often done in cruel and humiliating ways. Save yourself the pain.

I'm sure many of you recognize this cycle. If you weren't savvy enough to recognize it in the past you may even have gone through it multiple times with the same man. Usually when they come back and ask for a second chance the Idealize phase is much shorter and they will downgrade the status of the relationship to 'friends' or FWB. Each time you allow them back they will downgrade you further and become more abusive.

Do not make excuses for men. They are not shy or afraid of their feelings. They are not busy at work or 'dealing with stuff.' Always prioritize yourself and your wellbeing and happiness. If a man is not making your life easier or more fun you don't need him.