What challenges do men with disabilities face?

Oncefa2 · 2019-12-10T13:07:15+00:00

I think if you're disabled, and a man, you face very unique obstacles in life.

When I was younger I had a medical problem where I thought I might not be able to work. But all I felt was this pressure to succeed. Not working, for any amount of time, was simply not an option, no matter how severe the circumstances. If I quite my job I realized I would be homeless in no time. But working is also "proof" that you're capable enough to work, so it's kind of like a catch-22. Not to mention that if you're a man, and you are on disability (especially at a young age), you're pretty much guaranteed to never find love in life.

What I remember was being at a specialist's office and there was this girl who was there with the same problem that I had. She was my age but she was living with her boyfriend and not working. And all she talked about was how supportive he was, and how she was hoping to get disability.

I realized at that point in time that, because I was a man, I would never have that kind of break in life. Even if I applied for and got disability, it would never pay the bills. And I was never going to date a woman who would be ok with paying the bills, or would help me in that transition.

To me that was an easy out in life. If you're a woman, you simply don't have the same pressures in life that a man has. And these pressure are amplified ten fold if you're disabled. There's just no compassion and no help out there for men.

I managed to find an easy job paying a decent salary, and now I'm trying to save money in case my health goes south in the future. Because I honestly don't think that I can realistically work for the rest of my life. And not because I'm lazy or would rather spend my time elsewhere. I actually really enjoy work and have always had a good work ethic. But I know as I age I'm not always going to be as capable as I am now to both hold down a job and deal with increasingly difficult medical problems.

Of course the fact that I now have a little bit of money stashed away makes the prospect of marriage a difficult pill to swallow. I keep finding what I can only describe as gold diggers. And while I've had chances to marry, nobody ever wants to sign a prenup. Losing what I've managed to save, and being forced into indentured servitude (alimony / child support), is an even worse prospect for someone who has to work twice as hard just to get anywhere in life.

And honestly women are expensive. Saving money for a rainy day and also paying for all the frivolous things that women want, don't always go hang in hand. If I didn't have to worry about health problems, maybe this wouldn't be an issue. A lot of men probably go along with it because they figure they'll always have more money in the future. And I think this relationship between men and women is likely responsible for the wage gap that men so often get blamed for (but that women honestly take advantage of).

Right now I have a live in girlfriend and while she's nice to have around the house, I just don't see it as being a viable long term option for me. Not only is she expensive, but I constantly have to run errands and do things for her, even when I don't feel well. For as much talk as women make about "being a team", that team is almost always held up by the man, and the goals of that team are usually things that she wants.

Maybe my experiences are rare. But I don't think it's fair that there's so little compassion for the needs of men, and the unique problems that men face in life. Being disabled just compounds on top of that. What you need is help from other people -- compassion, sympathy, support, etc. But as a man you simply can't get those things. You're supposed to be the one who gives those things to other people. You're never supposed to be the target of that help, even if you do really need it.

2019-12-10T13:58:15+00:00

I don't have any disabilities unless you count social anxiety as one, so I'm speaking from a 'privileged' standpoint.

This has not so much to do with biases or discrimination, but it reminded me of a topic that I've seen pop up once in a while.

I originate from the Low Countries (Belgium and the Netherlands) and in our media there have been discussions about sexual surrogacy for handicapped folks who, due to their handicap, have difficulty engaging in sexual activity otherwise. Some have even gone so far as suggesting reimbursing such services through social security. It's a topic that is taken seriously and has scholarly articles on it. Here's a translation of an introduction to a Dutch article on the matter:

The attention to and support for a healthy sex experience is an important part of the care for people with disabilities, in which the use of social-erotic care can play a part. There is still a great deal of stigma around the use of this form of care. Through practice-oriented research, knowledge and insight have been obtained with regard to the assessment process concerning the use of social-erotic care provision. This knowledge and experience has been translated into a guide, in which the process of deploying social-erotic care provision, alongside a number of general points of attention, is gone through five steps: signaling, decision-making, intake, working method and evaluation / aftercare.

While it's talked about in a gender-neutral way, in practice (off the top of my head, I can't cite any studies for the moment) most disabled people who make use of such services are men, although I also came across an article in a Belgian newspaper about a disabled woman who advocated for such a service because she felt like her disability was an obstacle to her need for physical intimacy.

Another topic I've seen pop up on Reddit in this regard is neuroatypical people and their struggles with social life and dating life in particular. This is again an issue that affects both men and women, but it probably affects them in slightly different ways. Women tend to be less direct and rely on subtle cues for social and romantic interactions (a large part of this is due to socialization, but I'm not ruling out that there might biological factors influencing this). This might make it particularly difficult for neuroatypical men to interact with (some) women, while it might make it hard for neuroatypical women to be perceived and accepted as "real women" by their environment, so to speak. I really feel for neuroatypical people who struggle with social interaction.

2019-12-10T18:19:33+00:00

There are only two groups of people you should feel pity towards, ugly women and weak men.

liztu_june · 2019-12-11T17:01:50+00:00

You live in a system that built around one type of brain, school, work, legal system reward people who have "good" behavior and punishes people who have "bad" behavior and the problem with this is that there are many things in life like genetics and childhood environment that shape behavior that you have no control over. Take a criminal and put them in a different environment from birth and that person haves completely different behaviors. Change A person genetics and keep the environment and that person has completely different behavior.

It worse for men because society has in general view men as the providers so while women have many more resources given to them, men have to earn most of there which is why you can't just eliminate female gender roles and not males gender roles and if your behavior is not compatible with existing systems then you will be less successful in life despite the fact it the system that in fult and not you.

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