Hi guys, 23 year old here. Have had my own apartment for almost a year now along with my job. Finished my Master's a year back. I make halfway decent money now, but will be making even more within the next few years. I should be really happy right? Live alone, good career outlook, nothing to complain about.

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I used to be incredibly blue pilled, and discovered MGTOW at the tail end of my college career. I finally learned at 22 that none of the hot girls were interested in me as a person or would ever find me attractive, and also learned that it's a blessing in disguise that that's the case.

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Now I live a low profile life. Go to work, come back to my place, make dinner, occasionally hang out with a friend or go to a sporting event, and that's about it. I play sports when it's nice outside, but have never had a real winter hobby. Perhaps that is why I feel more susceptible to loneliness this time of the year, since I'm not constantly immersed in an outdoor activity.

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Anyways, being inside on this frigid Saturday caused me to think way too much. I do a lot of long term thinking which can be both good and bad. I save a lot of money in the short term in order to allow myself to do fun things later on. For example, I turned down several invites over the last month to "go out" since buying drinks at bars can add up quickly, and it's not worth it to me. I have a long term goal of being able to take my dad somewhere he has always wanted to go but has never had the money to do. I love him more than anything, and I HAVE to be able to take him to this place some day, because I know how much it would mean to him.

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Occasionally I do get coerced into "going out" to a club with my friend - haven't been in about 6 months or so. It's the same thing every time you go: drunk thots with their Chad boyfriends. Average guys like me are just invisible, or we get humiliated by them for no reason. For instance, one time one of them came up to me and started grinding on me for all of 5 seconds, then pranced away to her friend group and they all pointed and laughed at me. I then decided to walk home from the bar. It was at least 3 miles, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Needless to say my club days are over.

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It just hits hard that as badly as I want to be able to love a woman, it's never going to happen. I don't know when it's going to finally go through my thick skull that I will never be loved by a woman that I really want, because I still have fleeting desires to love. Even if it did seem like the girl loved me, I would know that it's just for my money or resources, since I have not been given a single glance in my ~24 years on this Earth. That hurts.

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All of this is to say that when I am truly alone, without any family left, it's going to be hard to find something worth living for. I only have one true friend and he's BP, so he'll end up getting locked down by someone someday. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of places in this world I'd love to explore and things I want to do, but it's always meant so much more when I can do these things with the people I love. Maybe I'm thinking way too much, and this is why I feel so depressed all of a sudden. I just wanted to let this out.