Going my own way

I met and shortly soon after married the girl of my dreams in my early 20s. The honeymoon period was truly a story book romance. She was and will always forever be who I consider to be “the one”. We shared so much in common and really enjoyed each other’s company. The first time we kissed we were surprised when fireworks lit up the sky unexpectedly.

I ended up going into a fairly demanding career to support our life style. I was very successful and got a job a top tech company. I felt like I was on top of the world. Her job was terrible and she hated it, she was miserable and bringing those vibes home. She came home one day and asked me if she could quit. Assuming she would eventually find something else, I said ok.

Fast forward a year or so later and she clearly had no intention of going back to work. I was fine with that at the time because she started a side business from home. She was also a great partner and cooked, cleaned, and I really enjoyed coming home to her. She seemed very happy with her life, I was very happy with my life, and it really felt like we were meant to be together forever.

I remember the cold November morning when everything changed. She wasn’t feeling well that day and asked me to print some labels for packages that needed to be sent out. I grabbed her laptop and as I was taking care of the task an instant message suddenly popped up. My heart and soul were shattered into a million pieces. The love of my life had decided that I wasn’t enough and had found someone else.

I decided right then and there that I was done after what I read. I immediately confronted her and she told me that it was only online, it was just a fantasy, and that she never intended to actually meet the person. I was in shock, I could barely even talk to her about it, and I wanted a divorce.

It seems that life never goes the way that you expect it to. It turned out that her illness wasn’t just a minor cold, she was having heart failure. Before we could even address this situation, I found myself at the hospital with her. She was fighting for her life and I was still at her side.

When she came home from the hospital we were too focused on her recovery to ever really address anything. I was too focused on being her caretaker at the time. Between taking care of her and my career, I had very little time for anything else.

Eventually she would recover enough to have a fairly normal life but she never worked again. I was easily able to support us both with my income. It was hard but I still felt happy most of the time. Even though things weren’t that great, we were making the most of our situation.

As time marched on she started to become lonely again. She was not really able to get out of the house without me because of her health. I had to work because we needed the health insurance and the income. Depression and anxiety became her daily reality. I helped her get through the bad days, the horrible panic attacks. I took her to so many doctors and I got her help.

The medications they gave her for anxiety and depression combined with her other health issues killed her sex drive. I went without sex almost entirely for over four years. It wasn’t the best all the time but I still have a lot of good memories from the next several years. I tried my best to stay positive and be happy.

She continued to try and get healthier and worked hard on her anxiety and depression. She eventually got her medications in order and we even started having sex again. Honestly felt like things were on the upswing. I had saved up enough money and eventually bought us our dream house. I really felt like I was happy again and that my life was back to normal.

Bad things seem to always happen when you least expect them. I came home from work one day to find her struggling to breathe and blue. Even though we had just been to the doctor, they had been testing her for years, and she seemed like she was doing so well, something had suddenly changed.

This time when she came home from the hospital she had to be on oxygen. When you are on oxygen you have very little energy and you can’t do much. Everywhere you go you need to bring it with you. If you are on a very large amount like she was, you can only leave the house for a few hours at a time. You also can’t cook or use any open flame.

I was back once again to being a full time caretaker and balancing this with my career. I had to take her to doctor appointments constantly. I had to do all of the cooking, all of the cleaning, everything. It was difficult to even get in and out of the house because of the oxygen tank. She even fell once because of it and twisted her ankle, which was awful.

A year later she passed away from her illness. I felt like my entire world was destroyed. Then a few days later as I was going through her stuff, I found the letters. Turns out she’d never actually stopped communicating with other men. I looked through her computer and found the same thing. It was at this point that I just became numb to the world.

I entered a period of self-destruction. I sold the house and I got life insurance money. I was incredibly lost and incredibly lonely. I know that’s what attracted the sharks. They pretended to love me and told me everything that I wanted to hear. They came along to cleanup whatever scraps were left.

I bought them gifts, I took them on trips, and I showered them with love and affection. I was loyal and true, I was kind, and I never strayed. All of them cheated on me and left when they had their fill. I was with one woman for about a year and she pretty much cleaned me out. I broke up with her when I looked at her phone when she was drunk and confirmed my suspicions.

I am one of the kindest, most loving, giving souls on this earth. I would give someone the shirt off my back. I treat others like I want to be treated. I put in maximum effort to make others happy. Now, I know nice guys finish last. It took me so very long to learn my lesson. No matter how perfect of a husband, or boyfriend you are, no matter what you give or provide, it will never be enough. Doesn't even matter if you are good in bed, are physically fit, and have a big dick.

I think it was because I was so kind to her that one of the sharks suggested MGTOW for me, I think it was out of guilt. I am now choosing to be kind, loving, and giving to myself. I am done with relationships. I know I can never trust again. I am going my own way.

TLDR: Married for over ten years and ended up as the caretaker after she had health issues. She was talking to other men the whole time and I found out after she died. The relationships that followed were very self destructive. The sharks took my gifts, trips, and love and then cheated on me. I am going my own way.