*Long wall of text in front of you. You are warned*

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I've been in a toxic relationship with a woman for more than 5 years. At the beguinning, some annoying details didn't seem to have importance, but as I ignored the monster, it grew. This woman started to criticise me for minor and out of my control issues, like not having enough time for each other because of my studies (we met 4 days a week, she came over from friday evening to monday morning and a cople of times sprinkled in the days between). Then criticised me for my income, which was little more than 150€ a month, from working late at night developing tiny webs and such, and started to tell how she would be going to x places if she were with another man, and how she got plenty to choose from. This preassure completely broke my attitude, i started to spend more time wirking on underpayed shit and less time studying, and of course less efficiently beacuse of the depression she was eroding into me. I started to fail my exams, but I never had enough courage to tell her about it.

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One day she had to rush to the bathroom and left her mobile on the sofa, I heard it beeping adn took it to give it to her later and tell her she got DMs. The blocked screen was displaying some nasty things coming from no other than 2 guys she had in her friend group nonetheless. Guys she apparently was meeting alone the days i couldnt be with her. I was devastated, I thought it was my fault, but at the same time I was super angry at her for keeping it secret. We argued that day like no other. She blamed it on me like she had no option. while she was threating me with going out with one of the other guys instead. And after some back and forth weeks later, I finally stood up, swallowed my ego, forgive her and try to make things up. What a mistake that was.

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Now that I think about it, we never completely made things up, because things were never the same from that point forward. As time went by I saw even more DMs from other guys, we argue a lot, and continiuosly about it, she told me that it was nothing, that she never did anything with those other guys, but of course, I couldn't tell. I thought I was paranoid.

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She had recurrent problems with her family. She never knew her father (he probably dodged the bullet but he could as well be dead, her mother never wanted to tell her who he was, and again, now that I think about it, she probably didn't even know), her aunt had psicotic disorders and threw herself on the train, and at home she even got battered once or twice by his father in law, which made me super overprotective around her. One day she called me, we had argued before and we were on the verge of breaking up. She told me she was going to suicide and wanted to hear my voice on last time. At first I was under the impression that she was not 100% serious, but something made me took a taxi and went to her parents house, where she was. After a brief talk with them, we discovered she was locked inside the bathroom. The police came and kicked the door down, she was unconscious. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors said she had enough pills in the stomach to kill a fucking horse. Both the doctors and parents looked at me in a pernicious way, like I was the one to blame for what was happening. Luckily, she recovered after 3 or 4 days. and I decided to keep going with the relationship. the thought of loosing her trapped me like nothing has ever done in this world.

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The years later were nothing special, this went on the same way, she were harrasing me constantly, threating with suicide (which she tried 2 more times). Recieving nasty DM even from some of my friends, who, surprise, surprise, are no longer my friends. My relationship with my parents started to get fucked up because she was in my house even when I was not there. I already lost most on my friends on my way through this, because I had literally no time to contact, and if I did, she would goes bananas because that was time I could have spent with her. I was crippled to the verge of suicide myself. At some point I understood I didn't love her anymore. Looking back at my life I realised how harmful were her influence on me, and that completely killed my love for her, and honestly for everyone else, even myself.

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Finally, I had the balls to broke that relationship up, she made my house a mess, even burning papers, she punched, slaped, and kicked me. At first I was taking the hits, not even covering with my arms, thinking she would calm down after throwing some energy out. But somehow watching me endure them made her even more mad. She went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and then I realised how fucked up she were. She came back after me half of the house and when I stood my ground she started to throw cuts at me, she was very sloppy, she even tried a stab, of course i was defending myself now. I kicked her guts as hard as I could which made her drop the knife, and did a judo grab to keep her in the ground (holy fuck, never thought those 2 years would come in handy). After some minutes trying to break my grab, scratching and biting (when she did I grabbed harder), she came to the conclusion that she will never outpower me, and I realeased her. In the end, I guess regreting for what she did, she looked me with a sad face and went out of my house.

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Neither of us went to the police, lucky me, and I almost completely lost contact with her, and to be honest, with reality itself. I've never stepped a foot at university since then, partly because the price of my courses scalated over the roof while I was failing them. I never completely fixed my relation with my parents, I lost contact with all my friends except one, which kinda knew what I was going through and stayed by my side. Almost everyone in my city knows our story, since she is a cheap chatter, god knows how much of what they think they know is actually true, some look at me pissed, others with compasion, which makes me even sicker. Nowadays I spend most of my time at the computer, playing videogames, looking things on the internet. I find myslef taking every single chance to scape reality, through games, through books, through alcohol, through anything. I still have suicide thoughts. I completely lack the motivation to do anything. I've tried gym and it helps, but doesn't solve the problem, because its hard to be willing go to the gym in the first place.

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Yes, I was bullied at the school for years, I was that boy, but I came on top, because that is bullshit compared to this. I don't want your pity, I want you to not make my very same mistakes. Learn that women can be as bad as men or even worse, learn to distinguish toxic femininity and learn to avoid it. Might be too late for me, but it might not be too late for you.

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*NOTE: The anti gillette commercial motivated me to post my story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X94TPrzWsI&feature=share