Greetings, folks. I figured it's about time I tossed my hat into the ring, after months of reading, watching YT videos on the subject, and lurking here. I guess I just want to introduce myself, vent a little, and get some friendly advice/support.

Unlike the many lucky young and old guys here who saw through the bullshit in time, I'm one of those who got burned. At 43, it's been 3 years since the ex and I "decided" (i.e., it was her idea) to end a 15-year marriage. A long-standing complaint of hers, she felt like I didn't love her enough, and that she'd had enough. Or some such bullshit. No cheating, abuse, addictions, or money problems. Simply "irreconcilable differences" -- and poof! It's gone.

Yes, I was young and idealistic, and at 25 I fell head over heals in love with a single mother. The 3-year-old little girl, like her mother, was cute as fuck. How could I pass that up? I've always been one to fall fast, fall hard, and be slow to forgive, forget, and recover from the aftermath of relationships. While I'm leaps and bounds better than I was 3 years ago, I have to say that I'm still trying to figure out just what the fuck happened.

Oh sure, tar and feather me with all the derisive terms for men like me: pussy chaser, blue-piller, mangina, captain save-a-ho. I freely admit as such, and own up to my shame. After all, I was born-and-bred to be a middle class, hard working family man. Fresh out of college and fast out of the gate for my first post-college job, my career seemed limitless (IT), and I was well on my way to doing great things. Within a year we met, moved in together, eloped, and had our own son together. Then she got her tubes tied. The sex was good, and mostly regular, tapering down to maybe once or twice a week up until the very end.

Without detailing too much of the relationship, which I would have categorized as generally a good one filled with many good times and adventures, there always was some underlying tension of her dissatisfaction. Like she traded down with me. In fact, she'd say things like, "If I were myself when we had met, I never would have gotten involved with you." This was my wife saying this, mind you. Talk about a great way to make a husband feel good, eh?
I used to take this slight personally, like I was somehow defective. After my months of lurking in MGTOW, I've come to realize that this was more a statement about her. Now, I think to myself, "Yeah, so if you hadn't been a single mother, living on welfare, working a shitty job because you dropped out of high school, and hadn't been overweight (her opinion -- I thought she was quite the looker, and I don't gravitate to fatties), well, then the world would have been your oyster. Thanks a fuck-ton, dear. How kind of you."

I didn't find this out until later in the marriage, but my step-daughter's birth certificate literally had "unknown" for the father. WTF?

Like I said, I was idealistic. Sure, everyone fucks up! Class and education differences don't really matter! What mattered was that we were in love.

Maybe 5 years in, we had a rough patch, where I think we both had the yellow pages open looking at divorce lawyers. At this time, at the peak of my career's trajectory and mobility, I'd often opine, is this worth the tension and stress? I'd be able to put away so much money if I didn't have this extra baggage who didn't have a healthy foundation in finances. That is to say, I always sacrificed the long-term retirement/savings so she could pursue her ideal life. She just didn't believe that she had to pay her dues and plow through her best years making -- and sticking to -- a financial plan. Hell, we could have burned the candle at both ends for a few years, saved up a ton, paid everything off, and then be able to reach /r/financialindependence in our 40s.

But no, that was squandered. At least I have some satisfaction that, at the end, there were no real assets to be split. I was saddled with a $700/month child support payment, which is thankfully only 2 payments away from ending. I guess she had enough pride and sense of self worth to not ask for alimony.

Those quick at math may have noticed that the split happened right around the time her own offspring (the one I never formally adopted and wouldn't be obligated to pay support for) tuned 18. Still wanting -- needing -- to believe that people are generally good, this seems like a very suspicious coincidence.

(fuck I've rambled on a lot)

So here I am, nearing the point of severing the last tie with this woman. I've since moved far away, am on my second job since leaving. I'm making the highest salary I've ever made in my life, if only a modest one that hasn't made its way into 6-figure territory. For the first time I actually have not only an emergency fund for maybe 3 months' survival, but I'm also maxing out my 401k contributions. Whereas before my only real friend was her, I actually have a really good guy friend who I see once or twice a month.

In most material ways, I'm doing so much better. The problems are that I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. I think I've finally found a stack that's overpowering the depression, and I've started an exercise routine to try to get the weight back down to where it should be.

Plus, I'm lonely. I guess in MGTOW parlance, I'm still "thirsty". Yeah, there's porn, and rubbing one out occasionally. Then there's the fleshlight (the joys of modern masturbatory aids!). And finally, for times when weeks of zero human touch drives me too crazy, there's one of a half-dozen local rub-n-tugs. I haven't taken it to the next level, as my job would be totally fucked if I got charged with solicitation. I haven't had actual sex in almost 3 years, and I gotta tell ya... it's royally pissing me off.

I'm sold on never marrying ever again. So in that sense, I'm down with MGTOW. I'm too old to get fucked over and start again. I know people on 2nd marriages, one even having failed two and still decided to shack up w/ a 3rd (single mother, natch). I don't know how people can talk themselves into risking it again.

But after 3 years, I still don't know what do. I have no real ambitions, other than to sack away money and try to not need to work as early as possible. I have no real passions or hobbies. Activities that once gave me some joy when I was married and lived a more balanced life hold no interest any more. I get up, log my weight, do my exercises, work, come home, read and/or watch shows and/or play games, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat. It all seems kinda pointless at times. Before I had a goal of creating a life with someone to share it with. Now... I'm just kinda meh about it all.

So thanks, guys, for reading my ramble. I hope to contribute to other discussions and to read others' stories. I guess I really need to know there are dudes like me who turned things around and are happy with themselves. I guess that would give me some hope that I can eventually have some peace.

I've taken TRP, and I'm still feeling the rage.