I have a somewhat complicated breakup.

I was the dumpee (30M) to my wife (40f). She has 2 kids, which I have been the quasi dad for for the past 3 years. We were fighting a lot for the past year over a myriad of issues. Im not sure if the issues are relevant here, so will skip over for now.

She is the only person Ive ever been in love with. I had one serious relationship during/post college, then a period of years where I casually dated people (nothing more than 6 months) and then I met her. We fell in love almost instantly. And she was the only person I have ever felt this way about.

I would say that we "officially" broke up in Mid April (that is when I moved out). I moved about 10 mins away. I see the step kids about 2-3 times a week in the morning. If the ex is home, we normally have sex after I drop them off for school (we'll play sports for 30-45 min normally). The reason that Im currently doing this is that they have basically grown on me as my own children and they do not know that we are split up. They are young (both 9) and think that I am just very busy with work atm and that I have to travel a lot for it.

My ex says things like "Im insanely attracted to you and love you, but Im not in love with you and my life is easier without you right now". It is such a mixed signal that I do not know how to take.

I feel pathetic, but Im willing to wait around for her while she figures things out, even if she ends up not wanting to try again.

We have embryos, are legally still together, split health insurance and still have sex 1-2 times a week (most weeks).

She gets very distant and somewhat mean over text, but instantly melts into my arms when we are around eachother in person.

I have no idea if she is dating around, and even if she is, I would probably take her back.

Im devastated because I feel like Ive lost everything that matters to me. I am financially secure, am in shape and healthy. I am close with my family. I do not have a lot of friends, and my ex and her kids meant everything to me. Some days I am good, and other days Im borderline suicidal (not actually going to do anything, but that is the type of pain I feel). On top of me losing them, I feel like Ive completely lost my identity. I used to be a 30 year old married guy with 2 stepkids, now Im a 30 year old single guy. I want to reiterate again, that my dream was to have a loving family and house which I have completely lost

I guess my question - am I just causing myself more pain by seeing the kids and having sex with her still? I would take her back in a heartbeat. rIght now, she has no interest in taking me back.

I feel like if she was completely done with me she would tell her kids the true story, get rid of the embryos and legally cut ties with me. She hasnt yet, which gives me hope. Also, when we hang out in person, its been almost 100 percent positive since the breakup. All the negativity from her comes when we are apart for some reason. When we are in person, we both feel intense love.

My current plan is to wait it out until roughly November. If nothing has changed by then, Ill probably cut ties for my own sanity. However, I love her so much that I feel like the potential pain this will cause me is worth it if we somehow reconcile.

Has anyone gotten back together with an ex like this? Or am I just giving myself completely false hope?

Some other notes: she was in treatment for bpd. She had 3 therapists and kept cycling through. One of them wanted me to come on (she was woke) after her 4th session for a couples session. She basically berated me the whole time. At one point I mentioned her bpd. The therapist went off on me and said I completely made up that diagnosis. That was a turning point where she was basically permanently mad at me