Will need the professor to remind me where that quote came from. As a man, you only have 3 tools to deal with your partner. Commitment, affection, and attention. Same as she has sexual access as hers. Considering how easy it is to mitigate her consequences(porn, dread etc), she only has one additional bluff on her part... anger and hurt feelz.

You know, those things that cause a crowd of white knights to jump to her rescue, or her husband to beg for forgiveness.

So over the past month or so (Oddly enough, right after our sexcapade-portugual vacation and my subsequent rolled ankle) the sex switched into IV mode. Once a week, all things off the table during shark week. I'm usually a little slow to pick up on them, and it's a common cycle we go through on a quarterly basis.

  • Frequency
  • Comfort
  • Infrequency
  • Distancing
  • Conflict
  • Resolution
  • Repeat

I don't mind it, I get she needs her drama, and the resolution usually ends up being Me listening to her grievance, stating what I want, and what I offer being dependent on that, her being mad at me for being a man, let it simmer for 8 hours, then back on fuckbus. That bozo who kept calling me "Rambo" with my advice got me thinking how I can explain my FR in a way that hopefully helps others, without using 10k character posts.

Actually, hold that thought, will continue after the break:

Some back stuff too for those new to me. Skip if you want more meat, less potato:

  • Part of my MAP was happiness with occupation. Leaving the military was a big part of that. Enough cash to live a year without a job, Portugal trip in November was the first time without a paycheck in 12 years. (social safety net not applicable to men in their 30s, go figure). Rolled my ankle, lots of shit tests because I'm not 100%.

  • One of her work friends is a buddy of mine, snuck me into corporate only Christmas party. She told me not to act as her boyfriend, she's scared of non-consequences. On dread anyways, flirt with the bartender, and tease the hell out of her skinny, younger, attractive co worker. Had her smiling so wide I could see the back of her head.

  • Spouse doesn't deserve my attention right now, so she doesn't get it. Not treating her badly btw, just not giving her my A material. I'm sure all her female co workers notice she's there with the guy who has the crowd around him anyways... I hate doing it, feels like a monkey dancing for quarters, but I'm really good at it. The best was people asking what I do at the company, and answering them all without lies. Fogging is your friend people. They don't really care anyways, no one knows how to start a conversation is all. Get em talking about themselves and be entertained by it, good enough.

So, summing up the negatives in my corner for the car ride scene:

  • Unemployed man not providing (even though I am)
  • Active dread, and good at it

explained later

  • lack of affection
  • miserable/mad/grumpy demeanor
  • EDIT:Oh, and my Paisley half sleeve I got to commemorate circumnavigating the globe with the navy. I think that means the tattoo artist marked me as his bitch, so thats a hurdle I have to overcome as well.

Car ride next day. Almost as good as while I'm half asleep for having the 'talk'. Ain't going nowhere am I... clever girl

Her points paraphrased

  • We are in a rut, I can see the cycle (basically explains me pulling affection based on sexual regularity) you aren't loving, so I don't want to have sex, so you become less loving.[2]
  • If you haven't had sex in a few days, you get cranky [1]
  • I need more affection from you [2]
  • I'm done with this (All serious talks have a derivative of this point, kind of a non-commital version of the D word)
  • You smiled at that bartender last night more than you've smiled at me all month! (feelings have the memory of a goldfish, but finally got to the bothersome part)

Then some inner think.

  1. So this is a fair point. I pull the attention and affection card, with commitment card being in case of nuclear attack. But... I should be happier in general. some of it is her thinking quiet=mad, but a big smile on my face shouldn't be too hard there pouty. Just pull my availability, but no reason not to be happier in general.
  2. I agree. Does she want it enough to keep me happy as well? That's really the million dollar question. Moving forward with the assumption that she does, or that I need to reconsider my situation. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
  3. Remember, finances were the thing I put front and center as our big problem. She's been really good with them, and it's taking less and less 'direction' from me to get her on track. This is a huge plus

And my contribution:
Got it babe. I show more affection, we have more sex, easy win here.

[insert crap, attempting to shame me for wanting her primarily for sex]
STFU/AM/AA/Fogging for anything that keeps this conversation off point, my point was the point, and the only point, everything else is distraction. Everyone gets what they want and is happy.

Now I'm sure any fly on the wall will tell you that probably went bad. We didn't reach consensus, she didn't end it happy, just quiet. Her tears, me STFU. The only lines of note for the 20 minute ride:

I don't think you understand, this bothers me a lot, I'm at a 9 right now.

You think I'm not?

and my final bit.

Look, we are happy and loving. We are super affectionate towards each other, we have awesome sex often, and are generally happy. Let's get back on the rails

In my clumsy version of powertalk, the intention was to lay out what she should be doing, what I offer in return, all wrapped up in a 'This is the way things are' sort of way. What, she going to argue when I tell her we are a perfect couple? Of course not, and naturally perfect couples do the things I just talked about, so if I did it well, the hamster works for me now.

Now I know how this goes. Every serious talk we've had involves an 8 hour digestion time. Combination of her processing what was said, and seeing if I buckle at some point. And sure enough, she's more flirty and desirable that night, as am I. Sex and blowies back on the table, with some kink thrown in. 4:4 frequency here, and I'm basically content with a 1:3 ratio. My back massages are better, she is generally happier, and the shit tests about cheating and me wanting sex are hilarious. By my responses, or just her general attitude, they are tame as fuck, and 'she has a day off today' is pretty much all it takes to swat em away.

So yeah

I'm an asshole, I'm not affectionate, I'm a grumpy, angry bitter guy who seems checked out of the relationship. I flirted with the bartender and her co worker more than her. She's 9/10 done with me, can't live like this, am an unemployed bum, and by any /r/deadbedroom measure, I should see a Councillor because she feels horrible. I look at the relationship as a transactional affair, and I'm sure I could add some more BP bullshit, but I'm sure they'll cross-post this anyways. For a group that banned me from commenting in there, they sure like to have my words around.

Yet here I am. Having morning coffee and breakfast (that I made) with the spouse, staring at the city skyline. She's pop'n locking to Salt N Peppa - push it. groping my dick and patting me on the ass randomly, big smile on her face. Night before she got a good dicking, and a pretty good 30 min massage. You tell me, what kind of a monster does this to a woman?