I've been lonely for most of my life (no serious girlfriend, only occasionally close friends who usually did not last a long time) and I have always struggled with emotional and mental health problems in addition to also being on the autism spectrum. More recently I started to be able to better deal with loneliness, mostly through watching a lot of MGTOW videos and resigning myself to the fact that I am not the kind of guy who is desirable to women and that relationships between men and women are a sham anyway. However, earlier this week I met this girl who I really hit it off with and started crushing on. For a while it seemed like we were getting along really well and she was actually considering hooking up with me, but I think I did something stupid that has caused her to ghost me. Talking to her made me realize how amazing it feels to bond with someone and especially a girl, categorically more emotionally fulfilling than any other experience in my life, and now having that taken away from me almost immediately reminded me that the rest of my life is essentially meaningless purgatory no matter what I try to do to fill my time. Ultimately I just fundamentally hate the circumstances of my life and I think it is evil to bring males into the world, especially in this time period, so I cannot think of any form of self growth that would remedy my underlying unhappiness. I cannot even talk to my parents about this since they are bluepilled feminists and cannot understand the hell that it is to be a Gen Z autistic man. Right now I feel like I want to die or at least stab myself with needles, which I never had the urge to do before, hopefully someone will be able to offer help so I can escape this emotional state.