I seriously don't know how to move on

ZulutheZebra · 2023-03-08T01:58:27+00:00

Something my Father told me is that life is change; it’s the one thing you can always depend on. Things may go in the same vein for quite a while, but eventually it will not be so.

Now this is just from me; if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that life is like a big wheel. You have years where everything is amazing and you can’t get enough of life, and you also have years where you feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out again.

Something I’m still working on is accepting things as they come. When hard times are the worst, sometimes you have to put your head down and just go through the motions for a while until circumstances change or you heal emotionally.

For you specifically, it sounds like you have had a lot of death in your life the past few years. That’s a very hard thing; the final separation from loved ones, along with a stinging reminder of our own mortality. My best advice would be to find something you can throw yourself into, preferably with other people involved. In truth “moving on” will naturally happen with time so long as you continue to cultivate other relationships and interests; it’s only when you shut down and death grip the past that moving on can become a long term problem. Also; try to break out of patterns. If you find yourself stuck in the same situations and feelings, it’s time to change up the venue or the routine.

northseaview · 2023-03-08T03:15:57+00:00

You have experienced much death at such an early age, which likely has you suffering from bereavement, both literally and in an emotional sense with respect to your ex-girlfriend. At your age I also found it hard to give up on failed relationships or even unrequited love, which could endure for years with women I new. In particular the loss of someone's love could be harder to process than a death. Death is final an non negotiable, but I could always bargain with love and hope for reconciliation or a change of heart on her part.

Typically it took me time and meeting someone new with whom the feelings would swamp old feelings and eventually I could smother the old attachments. In retrospect every past flame turned out to lose their attraction. I was able to see them without the fog of my infatuations and wonder what I had really found so appealing at the time. The reality was that I craved intimacy and projected my idealism onto people I knew not well or despite red flags that I had ignored or negotiated. The reality I was in love with a creation of my own aspirations rather than the actual person. It is critical to understand that there are millions of women with whom you could make a loving relationship, certainly no such thing as a soul mate. You will meet numerous potential partners over the years and maybe some hookups.

It is very clear from what you have written that the ex was not sharing with you like you felt you were with her, as she cheated on you and split up with you. So the amazing relationship was not real but a fantasy. The love you felt was a fabulous feeling and it understanding that you wish it would not end. You are grieving her loss already, before she died and this mixture of negotiable and non negotiable bereavement is harder to disentangle. You need to deal with the former to reopen you to emotional attachment with potential lovers.

And moving forward recognise that love is something that takes years to build, and that infatuation in the early stages of romance can blind you to a person's true character. Take time, more than six months in a relationship, to get to know them before considering moving in and longer before considering having children. Make sure they can take no for an answer.

Nightwynd · 2023-03-08T05:02:46+00:00

Oof. That's a rough one, my friend. The loss of someone you love isn't easy, regardless of the circumstances.

My best advice is to mourn her passing. You can choose what parts of her you remember and carry forward with you. What did she teach you? What did you learn, about life, women, and yourself? What were the best parts? What were the worst parts?

Accept that you're human, you aren't perfect, and neither was she. Your emotions are valid. Examine them, and let them run their course, and then let them go. If they come back, they come back, that's ok. The important part is that your emotions can't rule you, or define you. You have to accept them before you can mostly leave them behind.

Big dad hugs from this guy. It's ok to cry. You lost someone important to you. Give yourself time, and I promise it gets better. I know, I've been there too.

MeaningfulThoughts · 2023-03-08T05:39:15+00:00

You’re a man now, you’re allowed to seek for help just like you’re doing here. Consider finding a therapist to help you work through those childhood and emotional issues, it will help you with building some internal scaffolding.

Consider also joining some groups to meet new friends and gf as well. Eg music groups to learn how to play an instrument during the weekend would be great. You need to get more people in your life

chrisdidwht · 2023-03-08T16:55:23+00:00

It seems like you feel bad because she died. Which is understandable. You gotta remember she cheated on you. She moved on like you were nothing. Its unfortunate what happened to her but you seem like a nice dude and cheating is one of the worst things a woman can do. Especially if u were loyal. Let her go man. Shes not as nice as you remember.

needalife94 · 2023-03-08T11:18:49+00:00

Try to seek professional help.

kiadragon · 2023-03-09T01:48:15+00:00

That is a lot of trauma non-stop, bro. It's totally normal to feel like it will never feel better.

You didn't get closure. That is a bigger deal than I think you might realize. Closure speeds healing.

But it's not required. Eventually your days will not be just a blur of peaks and valleys of pain. I am a father and past middle age. I can promise you that you will heal. Life can even become enjoyable at some point. You have felt the lows, but there are highs ahead of you. Higher than you have yet felt.

Of course you miss her even if you were betrayed. We also still love our parents if they treat us badly. Its part of our operating system inside this meat suit. Don't feel there is something wrong with you for not being able to move on yet.

There is no stopwatch with healing. No 'you should be past this'. You heal at your own pace.

Months? OK. Years? OK. Whatever it takes.

Title	I seriously don't know how to move on
Author	AGC08311
Upvotes	38
Comments	12
Date	March 8, 2023 12:38 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/11lgyi1/i_seriously_dont_know_how_to_move_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/i-seriously-dont-know-how-to-move-on.1173215 https://theredarchive.com/post/1173215

Comments