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Looking for resource on psychological abuse relevant to male experience

August 8, 2021

I have been psychologically abused by my partner. In the beginning I struggled to understand and label the problem. At some point we sought the help of a couples therapist but she told us that a man can not be abused by a woman. I have a much more professional therapist now, but in the meantime I searched for advice on r/relationships. Of course I had to reverse the genders in my post to avoid being told to men up. As a result many reditors told me that what I experienced was an abuse and my "husband" is a manipulative gaslighter. I got recommended the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans". The book is not sexist per se, but the models of abuse it describes are exclusively man to women specific. My wife is rather on the hysterical spectrum and her style of abuse is very female specific.

I am looking for a book or a resource that deals with female to male specific psychological abuse.

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Post Information
Title Looking for resource on psychological abuse relevant to male experience
Author griii2
Upvotes 25
Comments 3
Date August 8, 2021 1:25 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
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[–]Oncefa2 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

r/emotionalabuse is surprisingly positive and accepting towards men.

There are some non-profits listed here also:

I can't say that I've ever ran into any books or anything like that geared more towards the male experience though.

You might try looking into nagging and relationship problems in general. What I've noticed is that men contextualize abuse as "relationship problems" and "women acting crazy" more often than "I'm in an abusive relationship and I deserve better".

Unfortunately though, those types of self-help books often take the same approach and see it as a couples issue more often than a problem of abuse. Yes she shouldn't be yelling but also he should have known better and been a better partner to not make her yell to begin with.

Which as you've noticed is actually part of the classic pattern of abuse that we often call gaslighting (that's technically not what gaslighting is but that's what the lexicon is now). "I didn't yell because I'm an abusive person. I yelled because you made me yell because you didn't put the dishes away and you KNOW that makes me angry." Meanwhile most relationship books tend to implicitly side with the woman that ultimately it's the man's fault for triggering her, and at worst it's her fault for not properly communicating her demands up front with her partner.

That said I have heard good things about Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I haven't seen this book discussed much in the men's community but I flipped through a few paragraphs one day in a bookstore and it actually seemed pretty decent. It's obviously not about patterns of abuse though and I can't really give it a recommendation beyond "check out some reviews online" if it sounds interesting to you.

[–]CCsoundsoff 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was really smart of you to reverse genders in the questions. My mom was really abusive to my dad so I have a very clear idea of what that's looks like (and it's motivated me to work with men) but I too haven't found any particular source for how to deal with a female abuser specifically. I would suggest the Understanding Woman course by Alison Armstrong, she has enlighted me (and I'm a woman) on the female brain tremendously and from there you can merge that with what you are learning about abuse in general. Sorry I can't be of more help!

[–]Iceman_Hottie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Try looking up general literature on abuse as a whole, there is a common thread to all of it. There are some good highlights of the general though pattern if you look up documentaries on female psychopaths (can help you understand their twisted logic).

I find listening to some of the Honey Badger Radio shows can help, and they do shows on men's mental health.

Hope this helps.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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