Long story short, I was falsely accused by an ex whom I've never even participated in sexual intercourse with. She's never taken it to court (although she's threatened to). She just ruins my reputation at our school (I should probably mention I'm 16M). I feel like she still has complete control over my life.

I'm currently dating one of the people she lied to. This person (non-binary) realized that she was lying. They were once close friends with my accuser. I should be able to vent to them about this. But I don't want them to think I'm weak or still stuck up on my ex. I have a friend who confronted my accuser for me. But I can't talk to him because I don't want to seem weak to him either. And they already "handled" it. My family is full of feminists, so that's obviously a no-go as well.

I went to my school's homecoming dance a little while back. I've been in cyber because she threatened to have someone hurt me if I ever came back. But I can't tell anyone so I just play it off as being nervous about COVID (even though I'm vaccinated). My partner really wanted me to go even though I wanted to stay home because the thought of going outside with the possibility of seeing my accuser terrifies me. But I went because I love my partner. Plus I thought maybe my accuser wouldn't show up. But I saw my accuser at the homecoming dance. I had to stick with a group of 3 friends as to make sure I could be safe that night. Luckily a friend of mine was on lookout for me and would notify me when "the bitch was coming." I hated having to be afraid that night. I just wanted to enjoy myself like everyone else seemed to be doing. But I couldn't.

I literally have some forms of proof against my accuser. She has lied about being the victim of a lot of things (being beaten, r@ped, etc). But there are some people who have actually been able to prove she was lying in those situations. If this went to court I'd be able to be proven innocent. Which is why I think she always threatens it and never actually goes through with it. But even with that, I can't afford an attorney and it'd ruin my reputation even with my innocence being proven. Plus, she convinced me to believe I actually r@ped her. I loved her so much at that time and was blinded by that fact. I just thought she could do no wrong and never lie. So I believed her. I was so stupid. So she has messages where I "admit" to doing it. Even though her mom drove me out to their house even though I didn't want to go. I even told her I didn't want to but she didn't take "no" for an answer. She took my lighter and when I asked for it back she said "make me." So I tried to engage in some sort of sexual activity even though I didn't want to. I felt around with my foot. It should've been obvious I didn't want to. I felt her knee for Christ's sake hoping that'd be enough. I kept asking for it back without wanting sexual activity but she refused. And I needed that lighter because it's important to me. So eventually I end up touching her vagina (we were both clothed) with my foot even though I kept trying anything else to get my lighter back. And she claims I raped her because of that.

I come from a fairly redneck area. Meaning that she's believed without question because she's a damsel in distress. I know this might be too much, but I have an easy way out. In my safe there's a revolver. If I were to write a note and commit I'd have to be believed finally. I know it'd be selfish, but people would finally believe me. Because an admission of innocence is worthless to someone once their gone. Meaning that people would believe me because an admission of innocence wouldn't benefit me if I was gone. Therefore I would be telling the truth. Maybe if I was gone I could protect the ones I love from harassment because of my accuser. Maybe something would finally happen to her and she'd know what it's like to have to live with something that major. I don't know. I'm out of options. I've pretty much told my whole story here.

Life used to be good until February 11th, 2021. I honestly feel so guilty for even being alive at this point. So many other people going through this same allegation bullshit took their lives. So many people with potential in their futures. So much to offer the world. Taken because of the words another person speaks. I simply am a loser teenager with barely anything to give to the world. Why do I get to live but so many others who were in my shoes didn't. I know it seems stupid, but this just weighs me down every day.