I don't know where to reach. It's very cold and dark, I feel nothing but pain. I don’t leave the house, I hardly eat, I just lie and stare into space. I am unable to feel joy and all my thoughts are only about death.

I am a man, 22 years old, living in Russia. I have been diagnosed with depression, I also have symptoms of OCD, social anxiety, and severe gender dysphoria. I'm pretty lonely and haven't left the house for weeks.

All my life I have been against war and violence, the war with Ukraine has seriously worsened my mental state, and the conscription of men has a particularly strong effect on my gender dysphoria, I began to cut myself and was quite close to suicide.

Thanks to my mental diagnosis, I have a chance of not going to war. One day I decided that I would rather kill myself than put on a military uniform.

Now in Russia they are going to revise the list of diseases that limit military service; if my diagnosis fails to protect me from this, then I will have to commit suicide.

The thought that I can kill myself at any moment and stop this pain, this thought helps me, and if I can’t, then it means there’s no point in living anyway.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, it’s very painful and unbearable for me to realize what kind of life I will never have.

Sorry.