I'm referring to when a guy says something along the lines of "it's over, I'm too ugly/poor/socially awkward/whatever."

The answer he will usually get, with very few exceptions is "yeah, with that mindset, of course you're unattractive." I've heard it all too often in both online and real life exchanges.

And I do mean just guys, I don't think women get this response as often, if at all. Hence why I'm bringing this topic up in this sub.

I was on vacation a couple months ago at a resort. My younger brother wanted to go get some ice cream, and the boathouse and pool area were right near it.

Saw a girl. Beautiful. I don't use that term lightly. I understand as men we're sort of disproportionately attracted to most women by design, at least physically. But this woman was a literal work is art.

Didn't engage her or anything. I always thought the whole "cold approaching" thing was very outdated and potentially dangerous advice. Plus this was solely based off of her looks. It's likely we have nothing in common. It's also likely she's was there with a BF, husband, or some significant other. I doubt she came alone.

Anyway, I told my best friend about it. I chuckled a bit and ended off saying "it's fine, she was way out of my league anyway."

He paused for a bit and said "yeah, with that mindset, she'll stay that way."

Now this wasn't the worst thing in the world by any means, and I don't think he intentionally meant any harm by it, but at this point I've heard it, or similar so often that I have to ask is "mindset" really that much of a make or break when it comes to being "attractive?"

I kind of get it, if you're constantly being defeatist about literally everything, and you never have anything positive to say when you're faced with adversity, I can see how a friend, or especially someone in a relationship with you, would get sick of that really fast, I would too.

But I just can't shake the feeling that there's a hidden meaning to "of course you'll be ugly with that line of thinking." It's almost like the individual is trying to say "pretend it's all ok, ignore any evidence or doubts that suggest otherwise. If you had asked me flatly, I would disagree ('No, you're fine. You're not ugly.') But if you push the converstion futher as to why you may be this way, I'd completely agree ('nevermind, of course you're ugly with that mindset')." But, if someone feels this way, what do their looks have to do with it? How can your physical appearance be so conditional to what's on your mind?

I was also raised extremely religious, and, to make a long story short, how much you were loved and accepted within the faith was conditional to how well you were toeing the line. So I'm not sure if it's just memories from that rearing it's head here.

Long post, and if you made it this far thanks for hearing me out.

Once again, I feel like this exchange disproportionately occurs with men, and I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. If I didn't make much sense toward the tail end of this post, I apologize. I have a lot of thoughts about this "confidence" topic, but putting it into words was harder than I thought.