I know this is a wall of text, but this truly just screwed with me: I broke 18 months of sobriety and gained 70 lbs. I lost so much hair. And it's so ridiculous, but it's like I'm just obsessed.

A bit over a year ago, I had 4 dates with a woman from Hinge. On our first date, it was an IMMEDIATE click. I wasn't really a believer in the spark until I met her. We were two nerds nerding out.

She made it very clear she wants to see me again, and asked for my number after the date for we don't have to talk on the app. She even wanted to go on a date the very following day, but I scheduled a few days out instead because of work / grad school at the time.

Here's how it played out:

1st date: Convo flowed very well with a lot of shared humor. I kissed her on the cheek upon leaving.

2nd date: Convo flowed very well. When we got back to our cars, she was lingering around and puts her head against my chest. My anxiety spiked (remember I have zero experience with intimacy at age 33 at the time), and I awkwardly stood there. My arms felt super heavy. I know she wanted to kiss, but I was just so terrified of going for it. She then walked away looking a bit confused, but I said "hey wait, I bought you something." Then I gave her these flowers I bought and her eyes lit up. She then got close again and I said "I hope I see you again," and she says "yeah!"

3rd date: This was on Halloween. This is where I truly just fucked up. I pick her up at her house and we drive up to this mountain lake. Convo is again flowing like butter and when we get to the lake she's giving me the eyes. My dumbass does nothing. We continue the date.

I then later drop her off at her house and walk her to her door. In my brain I'm thinking "you better fucking kiss her. You better fucking kiss her." But her neighbors were ALL outside and chatting with her as I'm awkwardly standing there as she unlocks her door.

She then looks at me and says "Did you have to use the bathroom?" And I was like "what, I mean no?" Then she pecks me goodbye and I feel like I'm on the moon.

Looking back I'm pretty sure she was inviting me inside, but I was just an idiot obviously. (I think).

4th date. Before this date I was watching youtube tutorials on how to make out. I was thinking "so it looks like I aim for one of her lips and just like do a knawing motion? How tf do I use tongue with this?"

Anyways on the date, we go on this hiking trail. We get to the top, and I have my arm around her. I them move her face gently and kiss her she starts moaning, but I'm very nervous so I'm moving my lips fast. She then puts in tongue, and I pull back very nervously. I then just put my arm around her and we walk down the hiking trail.

I have no idea why tf I said this, but I said "you probably got a lot of facial hair" since I have a beard.

We later got something to eat, and when sayin goodbye, I kissed her but she pulled back immediately and had a disgusted look on her face.

She then canceled the morning of our 5th date saying "I don't think we're moving in a romantic direction. I look at you as a friend."

I called, and I said "I wish I would have kissed you more instead of awkwardly walking by you like a brother." She just laughed and said 'it wouldn't have made a difference. There is nothing differently you could have done.' She said it with such honesty in her voice.

I broke 18 years of sobriety that same day (alcohol). I never felt a pain like that to be honest. I sat on my bed and just cried and cried like a 13 year old getting his heart broken for the first time.

Then I started ruminating hard and I hired a therapist who was useless.

I don't know if it was:

A) She liked my personality, but thought I was ugly. Which is why she said there was nothing I could have done differently.

B) That awkward dry mouth fast kiss and me mentioning my facial hair kiss gave her the ick.

C) Me treating her too platonically for too long never allowed romantic feelings to grow.

D) Something entirely else.

I ruminated so much from this. I text her asking, and she ignored it. I sometimes feel angry like why wouldn't she just point blank tell me. Then I feel angry about how I missed out on so much social development that I'm now a super awkward virgin adult.

I hit the dating apps HARD after her with the mindset of "well I'm definitely never friendzoning myself again." But the thing is: most dates I go on are just duds. Like zero chemistry / dead from the jump.

She truly was the only woman I've met who took a deep interest in me. Other women takes days to respond half the time.

What are your thoughts about it all?