Stats:

- 14% Body Fat, 5'10, 170 lbs.

- Lifts (Weight for 5X5 routine) - Bench: 195 lbs, Squat: 205 lbs, Shoulder Press: 125 - 135 lbs.

-Reading:

-- Many TRP articles and much of the sidebar.

-- The entire 100, 200, & 300 series of the RPC sidebar, recently began 400 series.

-- Constantly reading/viewing RP material, either on Reddit, Youtube, or at home reading like NMMNG and Models.

-Finances:

-- Large, but not yet due, sums of debt (grad school).

-- No income.

-- Likely to attain a well-paying, white-collar job.

-- Currently a full time student.

- Recently started a small business which is still in its inception.

Spiritual:

- Raised catholic, fell into the world and began adhering to science and culture, became disillusioned and rediscovered God and faith less than 10 years ago.

- Fairly mature since youth, serious, focused on school, family, work, & faith.

- Regularly pray, on a daily basis. Do not share faith too often unless with close friends or if an opportunity arises elsewhere.

-- Plenty of quiet time, more so recently as I’ve begun de-conditioning myself from needing to have a radio during my drive to and from work/school. At home, less Youtube/videogames, more quiet time, work time, family time, etc.

-- Can memorize scripture, more so recently that I have begun reading on a more daily basis.

-Summary:

-Grew up without my dad and this hindered me seriously in life, only later on realizing the magnitude of how I had been affected. I spent most of my youth somewhere between being afraid of rejection and angered at the same sense of rejection and also inadequacy. Became very headstrong later, adapting to the “survival of the fittest” paradigm which science so eagerly promotes. Was a loner through much of my youth with an occasional good friend or two. Had trouble not seeing every girl I liked since elementary as a potential wife (having grown up without my dad, I have always had a deeply ingrained need to have my own family, and to do what my dad could not do, be there to give orientation).

-In the second grade, given my little understanding at the time, a teacher who noticed I was more curious about what was happening in the classroom than what I was assigned decided that I should be in the special learning needs class. This was the worst things for me, someone who could destroy 5 motorized toys to build a handheld fan of wires, batteries and motors at 6 years old, now I was recognized by all my superior, all the adults around me, as not fully there, slow, etc. I spent years hiding my ”status” b/c if other kids knew, kids not in the program, or kids in the gifted program, they would make fun of me, the same they did with others. Without much effort, I got the “top grades” in my classes b/c I was not supposed to be there. That lady (2nd grade teacher) never once tried to talk to me about focusing. She simply saw something she didn't like, me looking around at others, not obeying her instruction to work on whatever assignment, and within a few days some school psych-counselor had me doing finger painting while asking random questions, alone but very kindly, slowly planning what should happen to me next.

-Teachers started realizing this throughout the years as they would regularly test the kids with learning needs, and they would all regularly comment to me that it was strange I was there. (I later found out that the school system gave schools additional funding for every kid in the special needs program, so basically my 2nd grade teacher, instead of trying to get to know me and to reach me through all the stress and worries I had as a kid, she said the kid is defective and put me into that program.) The whole experience absolutely killed my sense of self-worth and belief in myself. I only got away from the whole experience when in the 10th grade, some teachers made it their personal mission to get me out of the program before I graduated, and because I had managed to keep the secret from others. I was no gifted student and I didn't expect as much, but I definitely did not need to feel a deep shame at my "defectiveness" for not willingly throwing myself into the 8 hour a day school experience as a 7 year old. I spent many years afterwards trying to impress and win over others, unaware of how clingy and difficult I was, developing very little in me that was worthwhile.

-Having never really believed in myself, I gave up on a lot of hobbies that I liked and could have been better at if I had remained consistent like art, sports, & music. Despite an occasional friend, and even less occasional girlfriend, the more others pulled away, the more desperate I got, resorting to even more extreme behaviors to be cool and hip and likable. Eventually, I just decided to the opposite of everything I had before, upset at all the frustration it had brought me. I purposefully became very isolated and lonely in an effort to be less clingy, less exposed, etc. Where as before I was very outgoing though clingy, in a state of mind that really affirmed how “great” I was, I suddenly in a cold and lonely place, absolutely hating myself, my difficult past, the universe itself for having let me fall through the cracks, etc., and as a result, others unconsciously picked up that energy and also suddenly disliked me (whether you believe you can or can’t, belief is everything).

-Over the last 10 years, I’ve been practicing a lot more of self-love and care, something which I never really considered before as I was dying to be with “the one.” Lol. Honestly, I’ve gotten much better in the last few years as I’ve begun seeking out God more regularly and as I’ve been going to therapy, looking up helpful videos and just chatting on this sub with others. I feel I could write a lot more but hopefully this will suffice for now.

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Edits\*