First date advice

JStheHammer · 2018-05-09T19:23:14+00:00

Relax. Have fun. You'll be fine.

Red-Curious · 2018-05-09T20:11:45+00:00

This is what I'm seeing: "I'm crazy about this guy! He's amazing in all these different ways" right next to, "What if he doesn't like the way I dress? Or what if the conversation is dull?"

Realistic worst case is there's no second date. All that means is you met a guy with some really good qualities, but it wasn't a great match - maybe he couldn't lead you in a conversation or didn't care much for your fashion sense. Which is more important to you: the handful of good qualities you saw when you first met him, or dodging a bullet by not wasting time on someone who ultimately might not be a great match? You're putting all the pressure on yourself as if you are the one who has to impress him, but remember that you're supposed to be vetting him too.

Here's the deal with first dates. People feel like they have to make it work. There's some implied subconscious imperative that we want the date to end well and everything to work out. I understand where this mentality comes from - because we all assume that we're going to get married someday, so someday we will meet that "right" person, so we hope on each new first date that "this one is the one!" That's also a pretty counter-productive mentality to have. In reality we should go in with the intention of discerning whether this person is marriage material or not.

The first mentality (the bad one) stems from ONEitis and an unhealthy idealization of marriage as a concept, which is at the core of most divorces. It causes people to act outside of their ordinary decision-making patterns in an effort to impress the other person, lest you lose the chance to be with someone because he doesn't like who you are. Even worse - you're doing this before you even know what his likes/dislikes are, and thus you can't even say you're catering to your man. When you have that mentality you're quick to miss a lot of important red flags. Long story short, this is how people wind up in long-term relationships that ultimately fail and either are married and get divorced or never marry and think to themselves, "I just wasted a year of my life on that guy."

The second mentality shifts the pressure. It puts you in a position of wisdom, able to discern more clearly whether or not you actually want to be around this guy. It also gives you the sense to look for cues that you might otherwise miss. Most importantly, it lets you evaluate the original good qualities you saw in him against other things that might be important to you, like whether or not he can lead a conversation or if he appreciates your fashion sense or would make you change your wardrobe. You don't want to be with a guy who makes you become a totally different person just to be with him. But you do want to find a guy who is so great that it inspires you to be more like him. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that type of mentality can't be had if you're stuck in the fantasy land that he might actually be your future "grow old together husband" (I practice divorce law, so I distinguish between those relationships and people who might actually marry you, but you end up divorced anyway). If he is, great. If not, better you find out at the first date than years later.

As for the practical stuff, the only time clothes really matter on a first date is if you are intentionally trying to get him to sleep with you at the end (which I don't advise). Otherwise just wear what you want as long as it's socially appropriate in light of where you're going.

Don't worry about conversation material. He should be leading the conversation. If he can't, then ask him questions to get him going. If he doesn't ask any questions back and doesn't seem to have anything interesting to say to you, ask yourself: "Is it really worth being with such a dull guy just to get some of the other positive qualities that he might have been faking when we first met?"

All of this is why the advice /u/JStheHammer gave makes the most sense - by relaxing and having fun you'll be in a much better mental state to see if you actually enjoy being with him. If you're tense about the date one of two things will happen: (1) you won't enjoy yourself, he'll probably notice and feel some reservation and be less into you; or (2) your tension will be oriented toward fantasies about what could be that might be lost if you screw it up, so you end up assuming the guy is way better than he actually is - and who knows how long it takes you to realize your first impression was off (it's hard breaking first impressions).

bambiliftsweights · 2018-05-09T20:00:33+00:00

Here’s a couple of tips:

Wear something you feel confident in. I like to wear a tried and true red dress - but you should wear whatever you know makes you feel sexy.
Ask questions. Guys like to talk about themselves and it will help you get to know him (and take some of the pressure of conversation off you).
Don’t put too much stock into the first date. My first date with my now-husband was a little awkward and stiff but the second one was way better and now we are best friends.
Relax and have fun! Remember, a first date is just dinner with someone, don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Let us know how it goes!!!

cryptohobo · 2018-05-09T23:52:00+00:00

Have fun! Don’t let first date flutters get the best of you, remember HE has to do work to impress you too! What if HE runs out of things to say? Let him lead and enjoy yourself. :)

jb_trp · 2018-05-09T22:54:21+00:00

We'll be going to a politics conference, going out to eat, then a classical concert with a musician I love

Seems very formal and like a lot for a first date?

Just relax, be yourself, be attentive (read: don't be on your phone), don't do anything you're not comfortable doing (read: advocate for yourself. If he tries to make a move on you and you don't want him to, clearly say "No" and if he respects you, he won't keep pushing or act annoyed/hurt).

Don't worry about what to say. Just be yourself. Think about it this way: If you eventually marry someone, it's not going to be like you're constantly needing to "come up with new material" to keep them entertained... That's not how dating/marriage works. Just get to know each other.

And always, if the date is going horribly and you don't want to be there any more... Call a friend to have them come get you (if you didn't already drive).

Title	First date advice
Author	lilyaxc
Upvotes	16
Comments	9
Date	May 9, 2018 5:07 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8i7mda/first_date_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/first-date-advice.67312 https://theredarchive.com/post/67312

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