Where do I begin...

I have learned through moving 12 hours away from my family and living away from them now for a year all the dysfunction that took place when I lived there. Also, the dysfunction that persisted even when I lived only a couple hours away for three years. Most of all I've come to realize the effects that it has had on me and how it affects my relationship with my fiancee.

My dad did not leave any room for others' opinions and feelings. I could not cry because it was a weakness to him which was bad but, also, I could not be myself. Expressing myself in any way that was different from what he thought was good and right was called for slander and hitting or pulling my hair. So, I shrunk. I shrunk to fit the mold of what he wanted. Which became a very masucline,cold, angry young women. I have recently been working on how to be a woman and embrace the beauty therein. My fiancée helps me a lot in doing this but, I feel terrible for what he is going through with dealing with me.

I am a confused young woman who doesn't really know what it means to be herself. Or how to not get scared and defensive when I talk to anyone. I just feel that I cannot relax when I speak with others. I am always ready for something to happen. It is hard to be genuine, and I feel that I am causing pain in my fiancées life because I just can't figure this out. And now to the glory of God I am pregnant so I feel I need to really figure this out.