I am lurking on this sub for quite a while and I feel like I align with it very much, so I thought I ask for feedback on my current situation. I am Slavic and live in Europe, 28F. I met my boyfriend two years ago, he is 23. We hit it off kind of fast because we were both very lonely and I had some financial issues and he offered for me to move to his apartment while I offered to take care of the home. It was a temporary arrangement, and we were both aware it was more like a deal as we weren’t together for that long. He is Eastern Slavic and came to my country as a war refugee. We really clicked but it was kind of rocky at the beginning. I always was clear that I value a provider but due to his age and thinking the living together was temporary, I didn’t pursue it too much (which I now realize was a mistake). He started to make a lot of money while we lived together.

I didn’t think it could work with that age difference but we discovered we were both children from dysfunctional families that left straight after hitting 18 and both deal with terrible trauma. We got very attached to each other and became like a family.

I took care of him as well as I could – I cleaned, cooked (sometimes twice a day), I shopee and paid for groceries and any household expenses myself.

But then it started to become exhausting because his abusive mother never taught him to do anything and he started to kinda treat me like I was her. He took anger towards her out on me and didn’t help me at all, also he didn’t overdo it with paying for things at all. He just paid rent and some outings occasionally. That stated to be a problem for me because I am disabled and I had a minimum wage job and doing all the chores while he was making 6k usd monthly and even boasting about it to me while never suggesting to actually cover the expenses.

I had zero self-respect back then still healing from narcissistic abuse of my mother and didn’t push for equality out of fear he might get angry and I will have to look for a new place for which I had no money. I believed I should have been grateful he paid my rent and I could travel and keep my pets. I started to deteoriate physically and mentally because he was not supportive and expected me to do everything alone.

I then finally snapped and told him I was not going to pay for any bills anymore and that I am getting sick. That I need him to stop acting like a child (what did I expect with the age difference I know I am stupid).

I eventually became unable to work and had to quit my job. He promised to make it all up to me, go to therapy and we moved abroad where he finally became a provider. But it wasn’t without friction. I assumed that when he asked me to quit my job and move abroad with him he was basically trying to make up for what he did. He expressed strong regret and said he “never realized” how terrible he treated me and that I was losing my savings while he was making insane amount of money for the country we live in. That strained my trust and I realized that everything is always about negotiation. He gives the bare minimum and always tried to negotiate the lowers price or effort he has to put to gain something. He was surprised when I told him I was obviously not going to continue paying for anything, he sulked for a bit but then he had a hard look at himself and admitted that he expected me to do the same things as his mother did for his father and that it’s “f*cked up”. He said he doesn’t want to be like him.

I was then diagnosed with chronic autoimmune disorder in the midst of us living abroad for 5 month that was likely wearing me down even back when I was still working. I was already disabled before, this just added another difficulty to my life.

I know it sounds terrible, but he really started to make progress in therapy and stopped being so dissociated. He started to help me at home, he is fully providing and he wants to get married. He even paid for my therapy and I haven’t worked in 7 months. He stopped taking his emotions out on me (he used to be passive aggressive and annoyed) and it seems like he is geniuelly moving towards a partner. Despite how it seems in my post, he is not a bad person and none of this was ever an intention, he was so disconnected due to the abuse he suffered that he was not connecting the dots about our situation. Yes he basically contributed to my decline and becoming unable to work, but he wants to make it right. He said that I won’t have to work if I don’t want to and sends me 500 USD monthly to put into my savings and buy what I want. That’s more than minimum wage I would earn on my own + all expenses covered. And he offered this himself without me asking. He also said that he will buy a flat and we will split it 50/50 and agreed to put that in a prenup before marriage.

We have a good day to day life. We don’t argue, he is affectionate and he is working on his FA attachment and I finally have room to stabilize which I never had before I met him. He isn’t the type to ever get physically threatening, he doesn’t pressure me into intimacy (HUGE plus I haven’t had that in previous relationships) and he stated to really care about my health and wellbeing. I never had any support or family that would help. I was risking ending up on the street before we got together.

I have university degree but I got fired from several jobs due to the autoimmune condition that causes bad brain fog, fatigue, joint pain and being slowed down and overweight. I also have bad social anxiety and bouts of depression, so any people facing job ended up with me either ending up in an institution or quitting. I feel so lost like I just have no good options besides marriage and him taking care of me. I tried to get higher disability but they declined so I am stuck with 200 USD and that’s impossible to survive on without work. But I literally can’t work, I am glad I drag myself through the day and clean/cook/ take care of myself.

I want to stick around as long as I can because I would never have access to therapy, covered expenses and monthly income this high. I know it sounds selfish, but I need it. I am so tired of surviving. I know he hasn’t been the best partner and the dynamic is strange, but I do love him and I am not ready to leave now. I do have saving account he doesn’t know about and I am putting all the money he gives me aside just in case. I don’t know what else to do. I tried social services before, but they don’t seem to help unless you’re actually on the street or in crisis. I don’t qualify for unemployment because I only worked part time and the amount is so small it won’t even cover much (system is not good where I live).

So you think I should give him a chance or start preparing for exit? I see a lot of good qualities in him – he is affectionate, funny, handsome, we share many interests, music and understand each others traumas and thinking. I am attracted to him and he never makes me feel like I am unattractive or stupid. He learned to be more supportive and he is making progress in therapy and maturing fast. If I decide to keep the relationship, what should I do to secure myself in marriage? Am I just clinging to hope without seeing the reality? I guess I need a reality check.