I'm mad, depressed, etc., you've fucking heard it all. Whatever. I don't even know where my sense of honesty begins or ends with women, family, friends, or anyone else. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE HONEST. As beta as can possibly be conceived. I've been reading TRP posts for months, and I've been so invested in the ideology without an idea of what the fuck to do that I've effectively alienated myself from my... I don't even know. Self.

I made a post the other day on TRP about my outcome independence in regards to a potential prison sentence, but to be honest, I know that this "OI" that I've "discovered" will only last until the court date comes. I can see it like it's happening now. I thought I was in control, but I just can't seem to wrap my fucking mind around this stuff.

I'm in so much fucking debt that I can't even afford a gym membership with a fucking job that pays far more than enough to afford a fucking gym membership.

FUCK! I'm just worn out. I've been run ragged, and at this point I'm looking for an excuse to cry like a bitch. What the fuck have I done to deserve this bullshit? But what the fuck have I done to deserve any better? If I lived somewhere else, I'd probably be much more fucked than I am now. Either way, "fucked" seems appropriate.

I don't know what I'm asking for, or why my life should matter at all. No sympathy required, none expected. I recognize that I am disposable and that I've made my decisions as a boy, and I suppose the best I can do is suffer the consequences as a man. That's enough. Thanks for reading.