Check my submitted history for my last two posts on boundaries and communication: to be specific, I said you don't talk about your boundaries. A lot of guys wanted examples. Here you go. First the background.

 

Probably the most important thing I've learned from reading TRP falls under the subject of communication. When and how to talk, and also when NOT to talk, but to communicate nonverbally.

The Blue Pill world would have you believe that communicating openly and honestly (LOL, like women do that) is ALWAYS the best way. Actually, there are times when results from that can range from counterproductive to disastrous.

Talking about your emotions and vulnerabilities can be/almost always is disastrous. Talking about your boundaries (which, in turn, is actually conveying your weakness regarding your ability to maintain boundaries) is counterproductive, at best.

 

When you say babe, I need you to respect my boundaries what she hears is I am a man who can't maintain boundaries; I am a man who is not worthy of respect.

The better way to maintain boundaries is to just shut her out with a dirty look; if she does it again she is rewarded with the absence of your attention and good graces. It's that simple.

 

First thing, a lot of noobs (and blue pillers) wondered whether this was passive aggressive behavior. It's beyond me why anyone would think this. Sulking and pouting is passive aggressive. (I think I just figured out why blue pillers came to that conclusion: they are very familiar with sulking and pouting.)

What I am suggesting is actively aggressive. She does something stupid, you give her a look that conveys the message that she is disgusting to you. Then she stops, because she doesn't want to be disgusting to you. Simple and efficient.

If you tell her what she's doing is disgusting, that's just an opportunity for her to wiggle out of it and tell you that you are the one with the problem.

 

But what boundaries? What are boundaries? How does she know about your boundaries without telling her?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this generation of ironic oversharers needs to ask these questions. There are different kinds of boundaries.

 

1). There are obvious boundaries, ones that every reasonable person has. Nobody needs to talk about these.

How do you feel about lying? Can I lie to you every once in a while?

You NEVER need to tell someone not to lie to you. That is just stupid. That is like having ground rules about farting in your face.

 

I'm going to add mood swings to this list. Sorry, psycho mood swings are not acceptable.

Illustration of this point: She's getting an attitude about something, you give her the stink eye; if it doesn't improve, you leave. She does it repeatedly, you leave forever.

Why not tell her in the moment? You need a attitude adjustment. Sounds macho, straight out of a redneck country song, and it might work a few times. But eventually she gets even more pissed about whatever. Also, she can blame the whole thing on you. She doesn't want to be called on the bad behavior. She's entitled to her emotions! LOL

 

2). There are non-obvious boundaries, perhaps unique to yourself, that you do need to talk about, only ONCE.

Illustration of this point: Take don't put that there as a blank example. I don't want that there, so I don't want anyone to put that there. She doesn't know, so you tell her once. She does it again out of thoughtlessness, you give her that look.

Then later, she's about to do it or something like it again (because she's an idiot IE a typical woman who can't generalize instructions), you give her that look, and she stops. Then she is able to think, there, I was a good girl, I did the right thing. I didn't have to be told.

 

Why not tell her explicitly and verbally don't put that there again? You might be inclined to talk and lecture at her about don't put that there because you have reasons A, B, and C, for don't put that there.

She won't think she was wrong. She will think you are a scold. And she will think you are a little bitch for getting so upset about something so petty and stupid. Because compared to her feelings, your preferences are the stupidest shit.

But if all the communication was nonverbal, she can tell herself that she was the one who did the right thing, because she was the one who CHOSE to not put that there.

 

3). Then there are boundaries which are not really obvious (objectively) yet clearly evident (subjectively), because they demarcate the difference between setting boundaries and having boundaries. These are boundaries that emanate from the man you are, that are a true expression of your identity and personhood.

These boundaries do not need to be expressed in language; they are expressed by your bearing and countenance.

Example: Don't fuck with my shit. Don't move, lose, break, or throw away my shit. If you don't know what it is, don't touch it. Even if you do know what it is, don't touch it.

None of this is obvious out of context. Some people don't care about their stuff and the order it is in, so they don't care if people come in and rifle through their shit. I do. People who care about what I think, they know and care about what I care about.

 

Illustration of this point: I have had a lot of women come into my life and think they can improve some element of it. So they might take liberties with my shit, alter it, and offer it up to me as an improvement. It almost never is. So I give them the dirty look, with extreme prejudice. There are no words exchanged. She knows. It has never happened twice with the same woman.

Why not tell her not to do shit like that? First of all, it's obvious, there's no need. But more importantly, if you put it into words, she will just get defensive and call you an ingrate. You can't win that way.

 

Very few boundaries need to be communicated in words. In my experience, the more important the boundary, the less effective it is to use verbal communication to enforce it.