Background

I am 35, virgin until I was about 31. This was mostly caused by severe porno addiction, of which I only became aware/accepting of when I was like 26 or so. I thought it was normal, but after I quit porn my severe anxiety and other issues started going away. Lost virginity by consciously applying red pill tactics, such as abundance mentality, maintaining frame, kinoing. Also got my first (short-lived) girlfriend by the same. But I still didn't swallow the red pill completely.

Have always been a 'romantic', getting fixated on certain women, being a "nice guy" without knowing it, etc. But always too afraid to ask anyone out or be physical. I actually felt really guilty alot growing up even trying to 'target' women or thinking of them with intention. An idealist I suppose, thinking that human beings could transcend biology. Trying to build emotional or intellectual connection and repressing everything else. I never believed in any sort of biological essentialism or even took it into account. Saw myself as purely my identity and everything else as 'not me'. Regarded concepts such as 'manhood' or 'womanhood' as quaint or outdated. Grew up believing in 'true love' or 'romantic love' in the sense of two courses of history being fated in meeting each other. Had years-long fixations with unicorn after unicorn. Always deferential, obsequious, sheepish with women.

I am naturally pretty funny, outgoing, charismatic, intelligent otherwise. I am 6'2, 220. Not particularly handsome. Big frame, but have only started lifting recently.

Friendships/Orbiting

After I became sexually active, or was journeying from bluepill to redpill, I engaged in lots of orbiting. I engaged in pseudo relationships/friendships with several women who in retrospect were using me for attention, or were just waiting for me to be a man and take the initiative, which I never did because I thought it would be a betrayal of our 'friendship'. I fell in love but never even attempted physicality. Spent time with them watching movies, going to the theater, listening to music, talking about things.

One girl, we were seeing each other weekly. But not officially dating. Going to dinner together. Walking in the park. I would make her mixtapes. We would talk about very deep and personal things. I expressed my feelings in writing (I know) but never physically. I took her at her word that she didn't see me as anything but a friend. She would say 'she liked being called beautiful..', touch me affectionately and other such things, and give me otherwise obvious signals I felt were signs of mutual affection. But I always respected her words. This ended in a blowup, me eventually accusing her of using me for validation and attention. I tried being upfront of what my part in our dysfunctional relationship was, because I had just started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and others that had started shifting my perspective. She denied everything of course and denied all responsibility and said everything was my fault. This was the first person I felt like I 'truly loved'.

Another girl is part of my circle of friends and constantly uses the males in the group that desire her against each other. I secretly harbored feelings for her, but my attraction was obvious and she knew it. We also connected deeply, or so I thought, and she was showing signs of attraction. At one point she began texting me revealing pictures of herself getting her upper legs tattooed, calling me late at night to see where I was. Around this time I entered a 'covert contract' with her and went on what I thought was clearly a date. We dress up, go to the theater. In the middle of it, I find she has invited another male friend. This ended in another blowup in writing. And then one in person with me in tears, feeling used and confused again.

Red Pill

This is the most recent and painful one, and the one that finally made me truly believe in an intrinsic female nature. It again started in friendship, about 4 years or so long-standing. We would get together and laugh and talk for hours. Musically speaking, harmonious tastes. Same with films. Same with values and life perspective. Just complete harmoniousness and chemistry. About two years ago, we were lying in bed together watching a movie (I know) and she says 'Igor, you know friends can give each other pleasure?". She had recently broken up with a boyfriend. I registered it, but along with some intimacy issues, in my bluepill mind I thought it was unethical to make a move because she was probably in an unhappy place and using her body to rebel. In my mind, I actually thought this was a sign that I truly loved her. That I wasn't willing to use her for a means to an end. That you don't use someone you love like that.

We continue on. I start consciously applying redpill tactics, because at this point it is maybe halfway swallowed. But because of our basis in friendship, she has that mechanism of control over me. She can pull my towards her when I am being strong, and reject me when I am weak. She constantly mentions other guys she is hanging out with. I ignore her. At times she says things like "Igor, you know I only spend time with those I admire?" "Igor, you know I like you anyways..". She would sometimes stroke my chest when I said something witty or funny in public.

At one point I consciously tried to avoid dysfunctional behavior again, so I told her I wanted to meet up and discuss my feelings (again non-physically, but this time verbally and non-emotionally which was a big step for me at the time). I thought this was 'mature'. She denies reciprocation. I say ok, cool, and we go our separate ways without hugging or kissing as we usually do, but she is clearly bothered.

Maybe a week later, we are by happenstance with mutual friends having drinks. Some random girls are there that my friend also invited. I am making it a point that night to show her I don't care (again oxymoronically) and am on fire. Controlling the flow of the table, leading everyone, witty, funny and all that. One girl is clearly flirting with me and 'my love' is seething because I am mostly ignoring her or being polite and friendly with her but not giving her attention or attraction vibes. When the night ends, I am walking away and wave everyone goodbye. 'My love' looks at me, runs up to me and kisses me on the cheek.

We continue on. At this point, I think she has clearly given a sign of affection that she can't just pretend didn't happen. We start hanging out one on one more often. I still don't get physical with her. This is a source of deep regret but aside from general anxiety I really thought it was a sign of respect for her. I cringe at it now. Whenever we are together, people comment that we look like lovers. Everyone thinks we are together. Our 'natural chemistry' is palpable to everyone. My friends tell me I should go for it, but I don't. I start to realize at this point that my intimacy problems are more serious than I thought, and that I seem to have an inability for those I truly care about. I had semi-success with 'gaming' women I didn't actually like, but I was in love with this person and couldn't not bring myself to do it. It seemed deeply wrong. My idealism was manifested in her.

One time we are out and sitting next to each other, and another girl is aggressively flirting with me. 'My love' heaves an exasperated sigh, grabs my hand and makes a showy display of it to the girl. She then says shortly after with a smile 'Igor, everyone thinks we are together!'

I still don't advance physically on her. In my mind, I just want to tell her I love her and I want her to tell me. I feel like I need that. I feel like I just want us to say we love each other and then we can make love. That everything else is corny and cliche and below us. That after we say we love each other we can just build on it from there. But I didn't feel ready to say it yet.

We continue on in the same fashion. One time, she is supposed to come over to watch a movie with me. She cancels at the last minute, and tries to get me to hang out with her and a random guy instead. I ignore her for a few months. Her birthday comes around so I ask her to meet up so I can give her a gift, which was a really thoughtful and heartfelt gift that she clearly appreciated. She tries to bait me again and starts talking about another random guy she is getting drinks with. At this point, I intend to walk away for good unless she contacts me again. She texts me at one point asking to hang out, but then flakes.

About 6 months later, I am on DMT and I realize just how much I love this person. I text her then and there.

Just '(Name). I love you.'. She responds immediately and asks if she can come over.

I express my love for her in no unclear terms. It's not heavy or emotional or clingy or grasping. It's a pure expression and she feels it. If you've never taken DMT, basically all delusion gets cleared out and all you are left with is what you actually feel. You are sober again after like 15 minutes but feely deeply in touch with your feelings. At first she is sheepish, but as we continue talking she reveals she has a boyfriend now. She talks about him like a pair of trousers she picked out at the mall. She says he doesn't compare to 'soul-bonding'. I profess my love for her a few more times, again with light and humor and sincerity, and eventually gets very quiet and then squeaks out an "I love you too."

In my stupid mind, I think along the lines of: Well, that's vindication for everything. But, she has a boyfriend so I have to respect that for now. I love her so much that it's beyond petty human romantic relationships.'

We agree that we want to see each other regularly. I assume she will break up with the guy, but I don't specifically ask her to do this. I then start thinking that she wants me to 'win her'. Or make her break up with him.

We are supposed to hang out but she flakes out at the last moment. I get very upset and ignore her for another month. Around this time Coronavirus started happening so the world kind of collapsed. But we eventually get together to watch a movie at my place. Our whole energy has shifted. I can't exactly figure it out at the time, but now I see that I gave all my power away. Now that she knows I love her, she is safe. There is no more tension in the air. She has me and she knows it. I should have finally made a move on her but I didn't. I am visibly upset at her distance. We just say goodbye.

A week later we are walking through the forest, and the energy is still off. She has complete control over the power dynamic. I am completely in her frame. It's almost like she secretly disdains me.

We sit down and I start asking her what she wants out of relationships and love. She says she really wants a life long partner. Something you have to work on. That she never believed in finding the one, but now she might have changed her mind. This guy she's seeing might be the one...

I pretty much break right then and there and blubber about how in love with her I am. She starts throwing nuclear shit tests at me.

She says "Well can't you just stop loving me?" I say no that's impossible.

She says "What if you find another girl?" I say I don't want anyone but you.

I say I continue on like this out of respect for myself, and she says "Oh come on you're stronger than that..". I say it's bigger than me.

I make it clear that this has to be the end and that we should leave and go our separate ways. She immediately changes her tune. Starts giving me lovey eyes again and sidling up to me. Saying that she knows we will see each other again, this can't be the end, etc. She is still in the power seat. We say goodbye and I hug her in a sexual way, grabbing her hips and rubbing her stomach and kissing her on the neck and cheek. She responds with a smile and a flirty look and says 'Call me!' and scampers off.

This is when I fail hard. I start texting her in anger. I think about her comments and behavior and how she was cold-heartedly playing with my feelings. I've never felt more hurt.

I say "didn't you say you loved me?" she says that was non-romantically.

I say what about the 'soul-bonding' comment? She says she soul-bonds with lots of people.

I say, ok, but why would you compare our 'soul-bonding' to your boyfriend? Doesn't that imply you see me romantically? She says she has more soul-bonding with him now (I let this go).

I bring up her past behavior. Grabbing my hand. Saying friends can give each other pleasure. Saying she likes me. That she admires me. Stroking my chest. All of it.

She says variations of "I don't see myself doing that!" Or "You are just fitting your memories to your feelings for me!" Or "I don't know why I did that it doesn't mean anything!". Just hamstering the shit out of everything. And gaslighting me to hell. Saying she never once felt any attraction to me. And that she would never want me as a romantic partner.

I basically had a nervous breakdown over the course of a week. I questioned my sense of reality and sanity. Couldn't sleep or think. Started shaking for over 24 hours and losing my mind.

I realized then that she was abusing me. I've never felt abused before and never knew what it actually feels like. I never saw gaslighting as abuse either. But it got easier once I accepted it.

How she completely turned on the cold water in a matter of moments gives me chills. I am truly frightened by her about-face. How her character completely changed without remorse.

As soon as I was a weak man, I was nothing to her.

After some hamstering of my own, I finally accepted AWALT. And what it means to be a man in the dating game. And that objectification is necessary, and doesn't dehumanize but rather is more human.

I am working through an anger phase at the moment. I don't hate women, but I am angry at how little power I have and how much work I have to do just to be in a relationship.

I am working on replacing romanticism for my meaning structure and focusing on loving myself. I have gone to the gym 5 times a week and am eating healthier. I bought some new clothes. I am reading books and watching a lecture series to help me update my worldview. And most of all, actively trying to not be ashamed of my sexuality.

Thanks for reading.