Long post incoming. Brevity is not one of my strengths.

I suck at this. I know it. But I love it. Its like starting a new book or a game. Starting from the beginning. I keep making mistakes but I don't stop learning from them. I go out at least twice a week now and I can definitely see improvement over the previous weeks but I'm still not where I want to be. Despite all this, I keep getting back up, dusting myself off and continuing on. What other choice is there? I've been lifting weights and recently joined Trunk Club. I have been getting a lot of compliments on my wardrobe. (They have opened a new office in Culver City for anyone in LA. I highly recommend the experience if you have some cash to spend.)

Now for the FR.

Friday night, roommate and I went to a local bar. My roommate described the place as being full of thirsty women. We get inside and its 80's karaoke night. Two floozies are belting out a horrible rendition of Whitney Houston. It's bad, nails on chalkboard bad. I can see the groans on people's faces. We order a drink. As soon as I get my beer in hand I turn to the girl next to me. I make some comment about the performance going on and she laughs. She's a 7, maybe an 8 in a dark room. She clinks her drink against mine and says cheers. We start talking and she's asking a lot of questions. "Where are you from, what do you do, what kind of music do you like?" It's difficult to hear with the singing and bar atmosphere but we go through the interview questions pretty quickly. She's laughing at everything that comes out of my mouth. Then I run out of things to say and she turns back to her friend she was with, a sub 5, large, pale woman. I turn back to my roommate who is just enjoying himself alone at the bar. I panic as this girls attention is not on me at all anymore.

Now on a side note, I realize this is a major weak spot for me, conversation. I hate the interview questions and I constantly run out of things to say or interesting things to ask and start to get inside my own head when there is a long silence and it just goes downhill from there.

I interpose myself between the girls and ask something (I can't remember what). The girls tell me they are heading to a new bar for a cousins birthday. They close their tab and start to gather their things. The 7 turns to me and holds out her hand.

Her: It was nice to meet you.

Me: Likewise, give me your number. My roommate and I might head over to that bar later.

Her: umm, I don't have a phone number

Me: (blank stare) What does that mean?

Her: I just got back into the country and I haven't gotten a new phone yet (she mentioned something about studying abroad earlier)

Me: Well let me give you my number and you can hit me up later

Her pear of a friend took my number down in her phone and they left. The night continues. My roommate informs me that his bat-shit crazy ex-wife is on her way to the bar. "Please don't embarrass me," he asks. "And don't mention all the girls I've been fucking lately." You can see the dynamic that's going on there.

At this point I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see a mousy girl with glasses. Low cut shirt and the girls were on display. "Hi, my name is (can't remember) and I'm going to sit here for awhile." She points to the stool sitting in between us.

"Sure go for it." I'm shocked and confused. This girl was not that cute, maybe a 5 or 6, but had a decent body. What confused me was what this girl was doing. She was presenting herself to me. Now I'm not a bad looking guy by any stretch of the imagination but I have the confidence and self-esteem of a frog. I can't even piss at a urinal in a public restroom if another guy is standing next to me. I couldn't fathom that a girl would actually approach me. I turned back to my roommate and the librarian moved away after 30 seconds.

My roommate scolds me. "What are you doing? Why didn't you go for that?"

"I don't know. I just wasn't into it."

"Dude, don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Fair enough. Lesson learned. Moving on.

At this point the ex-wife shows up and is all over roommate. I leave to have a smoke. Outside I talk to a couple of drunk fat chicks who are on their way home. Just small talk, nothing serious. A guy who looks like Ryan Gosling with fetal alcohol syndrome walks up to me to brag about how he hooked up with one of the girls. I walk over to another side of the building and light up another cig. I see a girl, 7ish, fumbling with her purse looking for a lighter. I walk up and hand her some matches. We talk for awhile and for once the conversation seems to flow, there weren't any long awkward silences. Turns out we work just a few blocks away from each other and live in the same general area of LA. I mentioned that we should get lunch sometime. She agrees. Her roommate comes out to check on her and talks about some of the horrible guys hitting on her inside. Around this point, ex-wife comes outside to find me.

"I'm taking roommate home." she says and drops his keys in my hand. The two of them stumble off towards her car. I explain to the girl I'm talking to why this is a bad thing. We go back inside and get a drink. I order us 2 beers on my tab. She gets her drink, takes a sip and immediately spills it all over the bar. I poke fun at her for being so clumsy. A bartender comes over to clean up and get a replacement and asks who's tab to put it on. I point at the girl. She says "You tried to buy me a drink. I appreciate it." and laughs. We sit at the bar talking, I'm touching, moving close, resting my hand on her knee, etc. Half an hour later her roommate comes over and compliments me on my shirt and tells her that she's leaving. The girl I'm talking to says she's fine to stay. Roommate leaves. Another 15 minutes and we close our tab.

I walk her out to the parking lot and ask her where she's parked. She said she took an uber and asked if I could give her a ride home. I agree since she doesn't live too far. I'm driving my roommates car anyway. We pull into her driveway and she tells me to get her number. I hand her my phone and she enters it in. I walk her up to the door and without hesitating I grab her and start making out. It's light kissing though and she's not bad. It's been awhile since I had kissed someone. The touch and smell of her skin and my eyes glazed over like a shark smelling blood. Something primal in me took over and I remembered what it was like to be a man. I spun her around and shoved her up against the wall and wrapped my hand around the back of her head and pulled her hair to angle her face up towards mine. She gave a small squeal of surprise and excitement. I grabbed her leg and wrapped it around me as I kissed her. I was in control and she knew it.

When I'd had my fill I backed off and watched as she wobbled into the house. "Call me soon" she said and waved and disappeared into the house. I drove home patting myself on the back.

The next afternoon I sent a quick text:

Me: Hey its [myname]

Her: Hey :)

Me: What's going on today?

Her: Heading to LACMA, you?

Me: Lecturing my roommate on poor decision making

Her: Always a fun conversation

Me: Other than that I am just lounging. Trying to decide if i want to go out or stay in

Her: Big decision to make

Me: So when do I get to see you again?

Her: I don't know, when are you free?

Me: I've got to work 1-10 this next week so I'm free tomorrow or next Saturday

Radio silence. Haven't heard anything back since Saturday evening. I haven't texted her either. I feel like its much easier to control my impulses to want to text again in these situations. Since red pill its been much easier to keep things casual and not fall for every single girl that walks in front of me. I used to get obsessed over these women to the point that I couldn't stop thinking or analyzing every interaction. Now, I just don't give a shit. If they bite, they bite. If not, back to the fishing hole. There's plenty there.

The lessons that I gleaned here are that I really need to work on my conversational skills. I realize later that I could have easily taken the librarian home and that I need to start seeing myself as something of value and that women would be lucky to have the attention of a guy like me. I feel like physical escalation went great with the last girl. I know that with a little ease I could have gotten her back to my place, however I'd had a few drinks, it was 3 in the AM and my room was a mess. I just didn't want to deal with it at that moment. I felt like I had built enough attraction with this girl that I could have pulled her on a different night when I was better prepared. Anything obvious here that I'm missing?