There's a hot statistic that gets thrown around this sub a lot: about 60-80% of divorce proceedings are initiated by women. Or something to that effect, props to whoever can find the source on that for me. This little stat gets rolled out as evidence of the relatively shallow nature of female desire, i.e. how the female is willing to leave the male at the drop of a hat in order to pursue a bigger, badder alpha. Or, how females are able to profit off of their seduction of those poor, beta chumps, marrying for the money and then leaving with half of their hard earned property.

I feel like this could all be avoided if people understood marriage better, in the contexts of gender relations as well as practical economics. This is coming from a family law paralegal with about 7 years experience. I've seen a lot, and I'm hear to share a few nuggets of wisdom.

Let's start with the abstract concept of marriage, i.e. the promise to live with and support a mate for the rest of your lives. Okay, right off the bat we have to recognize that promising to do ANYTHING for the remainder of your life is insane. Unless it's pooping, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna poop for the rest of my life...but other than that, INSANE! Nobody can know what kind of person they'll be in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years down the line. Nobody can know what kind of person their spouse will be either. It takes either a tremendous leap of faith, or a good amount of direct experience with your spouse to make this kind of commitment. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people get married before even living with each other. Or, they've lived together for only about a year and they just assume that they've seen everything the other person has to offer. Don't be stupid, and don't rush into it. I would spend a good 5 years living with a mate before even considering marriage.

Why even consider marriage in the first place? Why make this insane promise on limited information in the first place? I'll break the justifications into two categories, the first being psychological. There are a tremendous amount of short-term and long-term psychological rewards to being married. The man is rewarded with the ultimate sexual conquest, and a sense of fulfillment after years of campaigning against the female sex. The term "trophy wife" seems apt here. The quality of a man's wife speaks volumes about his social status as an alpha, she is living, breathing proof of his ability to lead, protect, conquer. The same can be said for the woman as well, only I personally believe that the woman shows her trophy to herself in order to quell her own emotional instability and insecurity. There is also the prospect of having a wedding, and all of the attention that comes from reaching that milestone in life. Friends and family all shower the woman in praise, envy, congratulations, etc. I think this is especially tempting for younger couples who want to surprise their friends and family with an impromptu wedding; they do this for the attention, be it positive or negative.

The second category of justifications is economic. In the eyes of the government, marriage is the formation of an economic partnership. Unless the parties to the marriage have agreed otherwise (pre-nup), they are now 50/50 partners in all things. There are practical benefits to this new partnership, such as insurance eligibility, increased household income, the ability to have/support children, etc. Just as I have seen young couples marry for the attention, I see a lot of older couples get married because they need these benefits. They don't care about marriage itself, but they've already been living in a comfortable arrangement, so why the hell not? Less of a mistake, in my opinion, but the decision can still backfire. It really depends on how traditional you are, and how much you believe in the domestic division of labor. If you are a male breadwinner and your wife is staying home to care for the children, how much is your wife's work worth to you? Do you really feel that the labor she provides the household is indispensable in the sense that without it you would no longer be capable of doing your own job? You have to realize that if your answer to this is yes, then 50/50 is actually the fair arrangement. If your answer is no, you need to rethink the terms of your marriage.

So, based upon the above, here's my advice regarding marriage:

First off, you know the statistics. Marriages have a horrible success rate, and usually it's the woman that leaves the man. Know this going in. Be aware of why you're getting married, what it means to you, why you feel it's necessary. Be honest with yourself; are you looking for a trophy? If so, is she a valuable trophy? Is she going to net you the kind of positive reinforcement of your alpha characteristics that you desire? Or maybe you're in it for more practical reasons. Maybe you want to settle down and raise children. Maybe you're looking forward to the DINK lifestyle (double-income-no-kids). The point is to know what you want, and know whether your spouse will be able to give it to you.

The same goes for your spouse: be aware of what your spouse wants and whether you're willing and/or able to provide it. If you follow TRP theory, the most likely reason why a woman would want to marry you is because she feels like she has attracted the highest tier of alpha male that she is capable of attracting. She wants the security of knowing that she is protected, that she is in the hands of a competent leader, that she has a man who is better than other men. By the same logic, if a woman divorces a man it is probably because she either feels that she can now do better, or she feels like her current alpha is now a beta. As a man, if you're about to marry a woman you need to know exactly how alpha she thinks you are. This is important because she might actually see you as a beta, which would mean she has other things on her mind. This would be the attraction of the wedding itself, the attention she receives from being engaged, the material security of being partnered with a breadwinner, etc. These are the worst reasons to get married, because she will leave you as soon as things get tough, which they inevitably will.

Finally, the most practical bit of advice: MARRIAGE IS PRIMARILY AN ECONOMIC CONTRACT. Know this, think it over very very carefully, and try your best to write out the contract in terms that satisfy both parties. This means literally getting a pre-nup agreement drafted by an attorney, signed, and notarized. I see a lot of men whine about how their ex-wives are now receiving 50% of their pay as support, or how their ex-wives are now living in the home that they spent decades paying for. I have no sympathy for these men. They are victims of their own naivete. They should have understood the terms of the contract going in, and they should have prepared themselves accordingly. It doesn't matter where you stand in the gender politics spectrum, how traditional you are, or how much you value domestic labor. The Courts don't give a shit either. The law is an inherently neutral system which has biases imposed upon it from the outside. It doesn't care if your wife was supposed to be the homemaker, but in reality did absolutely nothing while you slaved away. That sounds like bullshit, but guess what: if you're in that situation, you agreed to that bullshit! If you don't like it, don't agree to it! Be proactive, and set the terms so that you find them acceptable BEFORE you get married, because you're not going to get far bitching about them after everything has fallen apart.