TL;DR - confessions of a blue pill beta with oneitis who thought he took the redpill but never really unplugged himself properly.

Intro

Several months ago I started lurking on this subreddit and though at first some of the things said and suggested on it seemed way too radical to me, after some time I started adjusting and actually seeing that the ideas presented here have their merits. I liked the idea of becoming a stronger and better individual and having more success with women. However, to be honest, it all started not with the desire to do better with “women” but with A woman. Reading the sidebar I soon recognized that this is what here people call oneitis. A 4-year long LTR that never really felt right but was always something that I felt dependent on. I used to tell myself how shitty of a person my oneitis was and internally putting all the blame on her for the issues we had but TRP made me realize that I too had a made way too many beta-ass mistakes that, thinking back on it, are cringy af. I think subconsciously knew that before finding this subreddit, but here is where it was all explained to me.

Body

Yesterday we broke-up - something that was coming for a while and I knew it and I thought that I had accepted it. It wasn’t how I imagined it, no arguments, no anger, no “drama”, no nothing. Just me telling her I am not taking her shit anymore and she saying that there’s no point to carry on since she “couldn’t change who she is” (I know, I know, this is bs). I never really grew the balls to outright tell her it’s over, all I did is I didn’t tell her I don’t want it to end - previous times when similar situations occurred, I’d tell her we can make it work. Now I am pretty sure that this is next to impossible and if I kept on trying, it’d likely ruing the better part of my life. Therefore, I simply did not object to the oncoming breakup.

However, this shit really fucked me up. I had a lot of anger towards her accumulated throughout the years and I always imagined spilling everything out when the time came, giving myself this closure, telling her to go fuck herself, telling her that I fucking hate her for all she put me through. No. None of this happened, she just said “I know that I am terrible, it’s pity that it didn’t work, but you were my best memories so no need to ruin them now”. Fellas, this fully disarmed me and fucked me up, it felt like poison was being spilled in my ears. All of a sudden, she wasn’t a bitch, all of a sudden she was a docile, regretful, resigned person. It’s easy to dump the daughter of the devil but she transformed herself for this final round into something I couldn’t hate and couldn’t lash out at. And there it ended, I left the building and that was that for last night. I knew something wasn’t right, no feeling of relief, no closure, only lingering sensation of what was about to come.

And today, today it happened, I broke down, I haven’t felt this shitty in months, maybe years. Normally, when feeling soft about her I’d think about the shit things she’s done to get myself back into reality but today I simply couldn’t. Only nice memories went through my mind, only thoughts of our good times. I didn’t do any work or study today, all day I lied on the couch and either slept dreaming of the past days or looked at the wall thinking of “what it could have been”. I regularly get episodes of loneliness but today was so much worse. Nobody to talk to, nobody to listen, nobody to care not because no friends but because no one can help me with that.

I cried like a little bitch today. It made me realize that I haven’t taken the pill, today I felt like the most miserable, pathetic, worthless blue pill beta in the world and even then I didn’t really care about that, it was just pain and telling myself stand up and stop being a bitch didn’t help one bit. No redpill knowledge, no self improvement techniques could help at that moment. And the worst of all was the knowledge that I made that choice. If she dumped me, it would have been easier because I wouldn’t need to fight myself over this. I currently know that I could probably go back to her and start all over again as numerous times in the past. Trying to hold this urge is awfully difficult. I even started questioning the redpill philosophy in my mind, hamstering that this might all be wrong, that there’s another way to do it. There likely isn’t.

Outro

I haven’t ghosted her yet and though I know I should it almost feels like trying to talk myself into killing a puppy that I have cared for and had happy moments with for a very long period of time. How do you fucking do that? Roast me all you want in the comments, I now know what I am and what I am not. I hope I make it through a stronger, happier person without going back to her but I do not know how strong my will is, I do not know how far I can take this new state I am in. TheRedPill is though shit, LTR are tough shit. Though this was all rambling and confessions, any advice would still be much appreciated.

P.S. Never get oneitis guys, never, this shit is absolute fucking mind killer, it’s a fucking drug addiction, fucks you up big time.