I write this in an incredibly lost place in my life. I have entered the rat race as it is called, the work force after what feels like was the epitome of my life. Varsity jock and what have you being an international individual getting things handed to me on a plate defined me from a young age which I have been trying so hard to rectify. Being somewhat a smart guy, been asked to model, determined, and many recognizable positive traits others may not have genetically been fortunate enough to have, I thought I could land a decent job and move forward with my life and build something that was better than what I thought was heaven not too long ago.

Now, not to get too poetic, a broken heart later where my girl cheats on me, graduated college and getting my Masters with highest grades, leaves me no longer on the soccer team, no more socially valuable, no longer with friends, no longer in the country I want to be in with an expired VISA, no longer with the girl I wanted to be with. So, logically, without options, I returned ‘home’ to find a job which I quickly understand that I hate. The hours are nine to five on the contract, but in recruitment, we are told to get there for 7:30 AM and leave the by 8:00 PM. I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil – which I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil. I no longer talk to anyone of my old friends who were my ‘bro’s’ on the team. The ex is blocked on everything so I have no way to contact her, yet I see my old friends now posting snapchats with her and Instagram pics. I can barely afford rent to live in this shitty expensive city which apparently is the capital of the world. I dread waking up every day and I do not know what to do with myself and how to get out of my situation. I dream of my past where I was happy, the girl that brought me to the RedPill, how I wish I knew what I know now so I could have handled her better and maybe even still be with her as I see she is killing it in life.

The red pill is beyond the ‘how to handle your bitch’ advice though. I’ve read posts about life from 20-30 years old sucks, but it can’t be this bad, it can’t be like this. I refuse to live like this. I have no life anymore, I am invisible in such a busy city. I was something that I was proud to be and now I am a ghost. Banging three girls the past two weeks from bumble did nothing for me except make me not even want to talk to the opposite sex and ultimately hate myself more. The image of my ex-girlfriend is still in my head and every day I fight the thought and will of wanting to see what she is up to and reaching out to her. This is my daily battle, my life right now.

Call this a cry for help, sympathy seeking, whatever you may think this is, I do not know what this entirely is, but I do not know what to do anymore. Three weeks into this job and I want to quit. So, I am applying elsewhere, working hard at night on weekdays when I get home at night and exhausted having only five hours sleep the night before, but how would I even attend the interviews when I currently work this job 14 hours a day. My boss is micro-managing everyone including wherever they go. I see no escape. Even if I did quit and worked another job, then what, deep down inside I am unhappy. Nothing changes. Therapy, anti-depressants, they have done nothing for my inner core or my happiness.

Being good looking, athletic, rich, whatever you think you want in life that some consider that I have, it means nothing if you aren’t aligned within. It is obvious, that I am very off from this. Every day is a personal battle to even feel somewhat happy when from the outside, I am better off than almost most people – most people truly are better off and more put together than me. I know this is pathetically sad and I do not know how long I can go on like this. I do not know what to do.