Second post of the day: I just had a long conversation with a younger friend of mine (a freshman in college) regarding how value is understood in its most fundamental human form, and why external evaluation (but not validation) is important. So:

Defining Value

When you go through your life of social interactions of any kind, you are fundamentally evaluating people; that is to say, you're determining their value to you. Everyone does this. It's the reason humans are able to distinguish between strangers, acquaintances, friends, and loved ones. To best explain what value is, let's look to an analogy:

In 2015, John lives in an apartment with heating, lighting, and an oven. If he saw a stick outside, he would ignore it, because it is not useful to him. The stick has no value.

In 10 BC, Julius lives in a stone hut that is cold and dark. If he saw a stick outside, he would store it to dry, because sticks help make fires for heating, lighting, and cooking. The stick has a lot of value.

The point here is that value is inherently a subjective concept, based on individual necessity or desire. So let's look at some examples of value:

John wants sex from Jenny. Jenny has rejected his advances four times. Jenny is devalued to John, because John wants sex, and Jenny will not provide it.

John likes hanging out with Bill. Bill provides John with companionship, debates, conversation, and male understanding and bonding. John and Bill are friends, and John values Bill.

John likes having sex. John sees Suzy, an attractive woman at the gym. Suzy has value in John's eyes because John finds her attractive, and sees sexual potential between them.

Over-evaluation can happen too. This is what's known as pedestalizing. When a guy wants sex from a girl who has turned him down numerous times, and he still hangs around thinking it will one day happen, he is over-evaluating. He is consciously putting more value into her than his subconscious knows is correct. The fact that his subconscious knows she has lost value yet he continues to hang around is precisely the reason the term "friendzone" exists.

Demonstrating Value: Or External Evaluation

I must insist now that external evaluation is not nearly the same as external validation. The latter is attention-seeking behaviour in which the man seeking validation evaluates himself lowly; the former is value-proving behaviour in which the man proves himself to be of value to another man (or woman).

The importance of external evaluation is widespread. Without vocalizing your value (i.e. "I can do this, that, and the other thing just as good or better than the next guy!"), which often comes across as either egotistical bragging or as supplication and pleading, you must show your value. An employer wants to see in an interview that you are driven enough to make him money, without being so vocal that you'll disrupt his company's framework. A woman wants to see that you understand the nuances of dating and communication without hearing you brag about your skills.

As a tangent, there is a basic reason why liars, thieves, and cheaters are shamed by society. It's because lying, stealing, and cheating are all valuable skills. A successful liar is the one who can make others believe his lies; a successful thief, the one who can steal without being noticed. Humankind naturally sorts out those who attempt something and are bad at it, in order to leave more room for those who possess actual skill.

In Takeaway

  • Value is entirely subjective, but it is useful to one to be aware of how value works and why people are more or less valued by others.
  • External evaluation (DHV) is an important skill to understand and use for multitudes of reasons
  • People subconsciously understand value; for this reason, over-evaluating someone (whether that's enabling the friendzone or trusting someone others have deemed untrustworthy) is held in contempt by those who you might want to otherwise impress.