Originally I wanted to keep my thoughts private, but since I value different perspectives, and I really need to vent, I share this here.

I will start off by saying I am definitely a beginner, I have my issues which I am aware of and I am trying to work on them.

I found this place 6 months ago(don't remember when exactly), at the same time I decided to come out of my shell and become the person I envisioned myself to really be.

Around 2 months ago, when I hit my weight goal and started to get really positive feedback from society, I felt on top of the world for a while.

But something was missing, after long self reflection I realised I am very much over-invested in other people's opinions, and thus have a really deep fear of rejection. I realised I tried to raise my SMV to high enough levels that I will not be required to do the approaching and instead harvest the goods.

This came as a huge insight into my life, and it helped my realise that one of the big issues I have is no real contact with women beside irrelevant mediums(work/ commute aka train).

I met a woman recently and we are now FWB(It was initiated by her), and I can't help but feel like this is not a good situation for me.

I feel like I am seeking validation on a deep level tha't wasnt there before, and it might be related to the FWB, or I am just feeling down these past few days, or maybe it's the realisation that I need to get around more to actually meet women, but it's been hard for me.

I just can't understand what it is im seeking currently, I have regular sex, I have friends (albeit not enough social circles and definitely not enough women), I have a good paying job and a good future.

When i first met my FWB I had a crush on her, couldn't stop thinking of her and couldn't eat and shit, but after witnessing AWALT all those feeling shattered instantly, and I felt empty for a while until swallowing the hard truth. Maybe I am seeking that rush, and I will forget about it with time?

I realise this is huge progress for me. Having a FWB plus obviously having a much higher SMV than I did months ago, and also realising my goals and directions in life is a huge step up.

Holding a strong frame while showing true vulnerability, alongside not being afraid to show desire or appear flirtatious, and not giving a fuck about anyone, is really a tough journey.

I am venting regularly (journal) and am really enjoying life(usually), and I wanted to see your opinions as I feel overwhelmed currently.

I appreciate every one that read patiently, and powered through my not so coherent writing.