EDIT: Some people have told me this is a little too long (I do apologise!) As such, I'm including a TL;DR at the bottom. Thank you for reading my ramblings!

I stumbled upon this subreddit late last night. Having read through it, I can only say that I wish I discovered it around ten years ago when I was a young and awkward student. For the sake of propriety I have decided to share with you my story in the hope that it might provide guidance to someone in a similar situation, or at least add to a body of literature.

I think a little bit of background is necessary. I am a product of the United Kingdom’s private school system. I attended one of the oldest and best-known single-sex boarding schools. In many respects, I think the education provided in these institutions is one that all young men should receive. It is rooted in a healthy appreciation of history and tradition whilst seeking to instil in students a sense of duty as well as a compassionate and self-assured masculinity. The problem? Interaction with the opposite sex was limited to bi-yearly projects with a local state-run school. This is not to blame my initial lack of success on my school - there were your typical sorts who seemed to have no end of success. However, at no point did I really have an opportunity to speak with women. When I did, the fact that I was socially awkward and bookish made any kind of meaningful success a distant dream.

Between the ages of 17-18 I pushed myself to emerge from my shell. It was difficult, but I succeeded. I took up invitations to parties and really thought hard about how I interacted with people and presented myself. This yielded much success; I became well liked and maybe even popular amongst my male peers however when speaking to women I just shut down; conversation was laboured, difficult and awkward. The natural, almost complacent confidence that allowed my friends to score just didn’t come to me at all. At this point in time I was on the verge of going to university which I promised myself would be a clean slate. I’d reinvent my image, overcome my awkward ways and finally be a hit with the ladies.

Not so. In fact, looking back on my first year at University I can only cringe with embarrassment. In forming close relationships with women I was doubtlessly successful - when all is said and done, I’m a decent chap. I could go into excruciating detail about these but as I am supposed to be working, I’ll provide a synopsis. Of course, if you are interested (which I very much doubt) do feel free to ask!

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  • Number one. P, as we shall call her. We met at drinks during the second week of freshers. What is strange is that she threw herself at me. We quickly organised to go out on a date and there I was thinking I’d finally scored. In hindsight, the experience was thoroughly humiliating. She spent time waxing lyrical about how she’d slept with seven chaps in the space of two weeks. Our relationship continued nonetheless because she always held out the possibility we might get together. On “dates” (I really don’t know if you could call them that) we’d hold hands, even kiss but never once did we seal the deal. As I got to know her it gradually aspired that her past was rocky - the highlight being an affair with one of her classroom teachers, which ended up in court. Things didn’t last more than a few months. Once day, without any explanation she cut me off on all forms of social media, I’ve never understood why. I did encounter her again, but more about that later.
  • E, whilst her behaviour was less overt than that of P I think there are similarities. Ultimately, whilst she slept around I became the fallback option - a substitute boyfriend that she didn’t have to maintain a sexual relationship with. Two events stand out in particular. Once, when I invited her over she went into excruciating detail about an internet hookup. In all honestly, it left me feeling emasculated and inadequate. Similarly, on her 21st Birthday I brought tickets to a play she’d wanted to see, only for her to cancel at the last moment as she decided to meet up with an on-off boyfriend.
  • R, who brought me to breaking point. Similar behaviour to P in many respects. Lots of intimate moments and handholding, never the final stretch. Of all people, she humiliated me most. It is honestly difficult to write this. One Saturday evening, towards the end of the first year she invited me to hang out with some people from another college. As I had no other plans I accepted. We went to their accommodation. It quickly aspired that she didn’t know these people too well, however there was a certain chap who she wanted to shag. I can only assume that I was brought along as a social lubricant - no pun. Eventually, when it became clear that he wanted to bonk her, I was turfed out.

As I walked back to my college that evening I felt a growing anger inside me. I’d been completely and utterly humiliated, played for a fool. I should say that my rage was not at all directed at R, P or E but rather myself. On that warm spring evening I gained a clarity of vision like never before. I had allowed myself to be used. I had spent a year of my life pursuing women - attractive as they were - who had not the slightest intention of ever entering any kind of relationship with me. However, for their own convenience they had held out this possibility. It was then I decided to change. As the University year ended, I took out a gym membership and got myself into a regular exercise routine which I have maintained ever since. Not only did my mental wellbeing improve, my appearance and self-confidence did too. That August, needing some space, I travelled across Europe alone. This time was absolutely invaluable in allowing me to clear my head and set out my priorities. As I moved from city to city it dawned on me that P, E, R and all women like them had completely different priorities than I. As R once said to me, she didn’t want to wake up in her thirties next to the same person she’d been with for over ten years. If that was the sum of her aspirations then fine! We live in a free society, after all. However, I wanted a stable long-term relationship with a view to marriage - One fine morning, when I was in my mid-thirties I wanted to wake up next to the same person I had built a caring and loving relationship with for ten years! I had been looking for this in entirely the wrong places. It was as if I had been trying to purchase a car from stores that only sell push bikes.

When I returned to University that autumn I ended up bumping into P on my way to a lecture. We spoke briefly. It aspired that she had attempted to contact me over the break but these texts had never been received owing to the fact I had changed my number. We exchanged contact details as she said she wanted to apologise to me and explain her decision to break off all contact properly. We texted for a day, arranged a meeting however shortly before I decided not to go through with it. She had treated me with a complete and utter lack of respect. Crawling back seemed completely pathetic. We never spoke again. I think this decision can ultimately be attributed to my newfound confidence. Perhaps my improving physical appearance played a part, but in hindsight I owe this to the fact that I knew exactly what I wanted. I now made a conscientious effort to move through social circles populated by people who shared a similar outlook to me. The people I met were the sorts P, E and R would consider “boring” or “basic” however I found kindred spirits. Here were people who rejected the nihilistic, destructive and utterly facile worldview they embraced. Soon enough, I met K. In so many respects she was - and still is - the perfect match. We share social, religious, political and moral convictions as well as a number of hobbies. She is also, excluding all and any bias, the most beautiful woman in the world. I introduced her to E and R at my 20th birthday party. Their reaction to her was patronising and hostile to say the least. I can remember R icily saying “so you’re the one Lyman01 has been spending all his time with”. E later told me she was “cute, if a little bit boring”. I still don’t fully understand why they responded so negatively. Shortly after, my friendship with both of them broke off.

Eight years later K and I are still together. I have just left the Royal Navy after six years of service and re-entered civilian life. We have brought a home together and were going to marry this summer until COVID-19 forced a change of plans. If I could teleport back ten years and give advice to my 18-year-old self, chomping at the bit, then I would tell him to have a clear vision. This will ensure that you move through life associating with people who are right for you. I don’t intend to pour scorn over the choices made by the likes of P, E and R (I am sure we all know - or have known - similar people hence why were are here) however if they seem to be moving in a direction different to that which you desire, then don’t waste your time following. As my story attests, it only results in frustration and agony.

TL;DR: Attended an all-boys boarding school. Was utterly and completely unsuccessful with the ladies. Went to university convinced that if I reinvented myself things would work out. Not so. Met women who led me along but were never willing to actually have a relationship. After a particularly humiliating encounter, I hit the gym, changed my outlook and realised that I needed to meet people who had similar priorities to me. Having realised this, enjoyed much more success in my second year of Uni and ultimately met my fiancé.