When I was 14, I had a boyfriend who I was with for 10 years. Extremely long story short, he left me suddenly when I was 24 and I had no idea he was planning to. I actually thought we would get married and have a family etc. He carried on telling me he loved me and sleeping with me etc but literally chucked me one day. I was devastated.

Then I had a briefly abusive relationship for five months. Got to the point where I tried to leave him 5 or 6 times and he threatened to kill himself and I had to phone police to do a welfare check on him.

Now I’m 27, I have a boyfriend of 2 years who has had a rough time ever since I met him. His dad died and his mother became ill and he started to drink problematic amounts of alcohol which he’s now getting help for. He started being verbally abusive and telling me to gtfo of his house a lot. I’m extremely confused and torn because I have feelings for him, but I also have major doubts about him.

He accepts he needs help and is working on himself, but damage has been done even if I do still have feelings for him. I’m a really understanding person, but I feel wary lately.

My issue is seeing others my age getting married, having babies, progressing in careers and I feel panicky and stuck. I feel 27 (nearly 28) is too late to start again, and I can’t think clearly. All I want is a simple life, I want a good relationship and marriage one day, a nice little family and a job I enjoy. Not even necessarily loads of money from it. I just feel scared and tearful all the time. It’s frustrating 😢 anyone else know what I mean? I’m just sat here working from home, secretly sobbing uncontrollably into my laptop and pretending I’m fine and life is great because I’m ashamed at how far behind in life I am. I sometimes think to myself I would be better off dying or something. I would never kill myself, and I feel guilty thinking this way, but I genuinely wonder what options I really have in life when so much is beyond my control 😢 where the hell do you even meet people besides online dating apps? And they’re a cesspool 😢 all I want is to have a successful relationship I’ve always wanted that I feel dead inside watching others have it

Edit

For some reason I can’t reply to comments so I’ll type here

I have OCD so my anxiety and overthinking makes things way more complicated. Feels a bit shit that people just think I’m desperate and needy when half the time it’s that voice saying “what if you never the right decisions” when EVERY decision feels wrong or dangerous to me 😐 it’s hard having intuition when that ocd voice literally forces you to second guess everything all the time