So, I think the problem is that I'm very much alone. No female friends stick by me and it sucks.

My relationships:

Age 16-24 was with my high school boyfriend. He was... Not HMV, but he still improved my life, gave it purpose, and made attempts to make me happy. He had lots of flaws, but, I can't say I have ever really been happy in life outside of that relationship.

And it's not because of him. I mean, I did love him. But it's not that I miss him, that's not why I am thinking about him. It's that... He was the last time I had someone who would even just answer my text messages, someone to share the niceties if my day with.

He left me because I wanted to move forward and he did not. I wanted to live together and get married, and he said he didn't want to move forward, so he broke up with me and slept with someone 2 days later.

For a long time even after we broke up, I held onto my hope that some day I'd find something similar, someone who cared about me and showed it like he did.

After discovering FDS I no longer hold onto that hope. I think most men aren't a good idea.

I'm 27 now and finding someone is not a goal. But without that goal, I just feel so lonely.

I think there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I think I'm missing a fundamental component that makes me human like other people are; I'm on a different wavelength that prevents me from making and keeping friends.

I've had no less than 8 friends in 4 years just outright ghost me. I have never had another woman initiate a conversation with me, or invite me out, or go out of their way to call me or text.

I'm a nice person; there's no one obvious defect about me that scares people away - I don't smell or go around yelling like a crazy person, nothing obviously offputting like that. I guess I'm just not interesting to other people.

And I try. I promise I try. And I've also tried, not trying, just going about my life and being nice and friendly and doing my hobbies and letting the chips fall where they may. That was not great. I've tried classes and the gym.

So the only attention I've ever gotten in my life has been from men. Now that I don't feel motivated to have relationships with men, and I've never been able to keep a relationship with a woman even as a friend, I feel like there's no point and I should just give up. No one, like, actually cares. And for the few people in my life (the very few), I've started to feel like a burden for asking them to talk to me sometimes. And I realize how pathetic that is. That, I can't even ask for communication on occasion.

I've spent too long alone and I guess.. I feel like I'm ready to give up. There's nothing I want.

The only thing to do is keep trying. Trying to, I don't know, trick someone into caring about me give a shit or even just pretend a little bit.

But I'm just so tired or trying at this point.

Some days, I have something to say. And I just want to be heard by someone. And I remember the last time I had that was with my ex. It's not about him, it's that, when we were in love and when it was good, that was the last time I felt, not alone.

Yeah I get it. Work on yourself. Improve, just constantly fucking improve.

I wish that actually made me feel, not alone. I can be accomplished as I want but that doesn't change the fact that I'm alone.

I'm sorry this is full of self pity. But. I don't know, what have I got to lose.

I've even had some women from this subreddit say, hey, message me whenever you want. And it's nice and I'm sure it's sincere at the time it's said, but, the follow through is non existent.

And it's no one's job to be my friend. I know I'm not owed that or entitled to attention or care from others. I'm just like, done with life without any of that.

This isn't about romance. I wish I had friends.