Hello, I recently discovered the female dating strategy sub Reddit and I’m addicted! There are so many things that I’ve learned in the last few weeks that I wasn’t even aware I was doing or had been allowing to happen to me because I thought they were “normal”. I wanted to post the below message to that subreddit but I’ve been advised to post it here (im a total newbie with this kind of stuff).

Hopefully this all makes sense....ok here it goes...

This year, around September time, I went through a really strange period of my life. Nothing dramatic happened, i was seeing a guy for maybe 3 months and he decided he didn’t want to see me anymore but was fairly shit at handling my it...he kinda made me call it? If that makes sense and I guess the toll of 2020 didn’t help just and generally being down and feeling a bit shit about myself....but boy did I sink LOW. I was suicidal and ready just leave, the only thing that was stopping me from doing it was messing it up and being seen as the person who was looking for attention (even typing that and realising how it sounds is so fucked up).

In more recent weeks I have been able to want to grow and get through whatever it is that is happening to me, I started putting myself first!

But I keep hitting a wall, the things I read on this sub are so motivational and I’m like “yes...fucking right! I am worth it”.....but then I remembered and I’m haunted by all the shitty things I’ve done....and it makes me feel like I’m not worthy to have the powerful attitudes that other people have on here.

I’ve cheated on literally every partner I’ve ever had (not a boast....I’m disgusted by it). The people I had affairs with I also treated like crap....but worked it out that I was the victim. No one knows I’ve done that. I’ve managed to get away with it for years but now I hate who I am!

I feel toxic! I am toxic!

I feel like I’ve hit this turning point where I know now who and what I am...and it’s a fraud! I have read multiple posts about guy being assholes but I read them and feel heartbroken because I think I’m the asshole in my life.

I’ve stopped dating....and I can’t see myself going back anytime soon because I just don’t want to hurt anyone else.

I never go into relationship thinking I’m going to cheat...infact the last two I said to myself, this one will be different. I won’t do it. But I did it!

I honestly don’t know why I’m describing all this to everyone but I don’t know what to do anymore. Or if I’m allowed to be upset about this! I feel like I’m loosing my mind....and that I deserve it!

Has anyone else done or felt like this, got through it and become a better person?