I recently discovered this sub and I love it! I love how it offers good relationship/female advice instead of generic internet male-centric advice.
Anyway, I need advice on something. It's not related to dating but I think I will get better advice here than other subs (tried that and didn't get anything useful).
I am now in my 20s and I'm female. Back in high school, I used to have a crush on a high school teacher (let's call him X). I never though about pursuing him at all as I don't want to be a homewrecked due to moral reasons and I don't want to date a cheater too. Anyway, we ended up clicking with each other as we happened to share the same niche academic interest. X opened a lot to me and shared his own stuff. He didn't treat other students like this and I assumed it was because we happened to share the same interests.
We kept in touch after my graduation. One person sends a block of text and the other person replies around two months later. Yes, it's just friendship and we don't flirt or anything but a small part of me have the feeling X is somewhat attracted to me (as in those cases where married people feel attracted to others but don't do anything about it as they know it is immoral) and I feel extremely bad about it.
A recent incident made me question what constitutes as inappropriate. My mother caught by father flirting with a woman both of my parents know and she got very upset (my father probably wasn't interested in the woman and was probably only enjoying the attention but the woman seemed serious about her intentions). It made me question my own friendship with my friendship with X. I'm no longer attracted to X and we don't flirt but is our friendship "appropriate"? Is it disrespectful to his wife? Am I right that I feel like a small part of him is attracted to me? He did share some stuff teachers don't share with ex-students that much. He did share which celebrities he found the most attractive when we talked about movies and asked me back which male celebrities I liked the most.
I was also socially awkward and basically didn't have any close male friends when I was a teenager, and now that I am older, I've noticed how I am never as "close" to other men as I am to X. I've met very kind men and they help and mentor me a lot but then the friendship has never gotten to point of becoming like that of me and X. It made me question if my friendship with X is abnormal.
And now the question is what should I do with X? One day I may have a boyfriend and he may be upset at this. I don't think it seems polite to suddenly block him though. He didn't do anything creepy.
Sorry if this thread is not relevant here. I've tried mentioning this in other subs and mainly got comments such as suggesting me to admit I used to like X to X and then blocking him, that I am secretly a homewrecker, or it's just a friendship and I am crazy for thinking all of this up. Thanks.
[–]eveninghopeFDS Specialist 8 points9 points10 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]eureka20221 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Thank you so much!
I've tried fading with X. I didn't see him as that creepy back then but thought the relationship added little value to my life so wanted to move on. There are times when I don't reply to him for over 5 months and he will usually message me out of the blue trying to reach out to me sending stuff he saw as as cool or saw something which made him thought of me and would contact me. I thought he would have taken the hint and let things fade. My messages became less and less personal and shorter over time. If it's not impolite to block him, then oh well, I will not reply to his messages then.
I think a part of me knows he is creepy. My relationship with X was a skeleton I kept in the closet and I never told anyone. X also kept our "friendship" a secret. He enjoyed chit-chatting with me back at school but would ignore me and pretend I was "just another student" when other students (including my friends) were close by. I didn't see it as odd until I befriended my college professors and they didn't immediately act cold towards me and stop chatting with me when we bump into other students.
I don't think I need mentoring from X. I am not trying to become a teacher do it is not like I need to ask him for career advice. I've met other men who are much more helpful mentors. I used to think of my high school teacher as a nice and helpful person until I've met other men. I guess I was stuck with such a small pool of people back in high school I didn't realise there are much nicer people out there. I was also unwoke and trusted both men and women more easily.
I also never questioned him as creepy until I met other male mentors who are different from him. They are helpful without asking me personal stuff. I also ended up crushing on one of my career mentors (who is only a few years older than me so way less creepy). I guess he could sense I like him, never talks about personal stuff with me but is still super helpful. I mean on the surface level it sucks to be "rejected", but this relationship is actually much more appropriate than that between X and me.
Lol he is just like my father then. I know many men are like that so no thanks. Maybe I also lacked confidence in the past and enjoyed attention from him but back then I was clueless as a younger person. I think the harm I am potentially causing his wife is a bigger issue than me being used for validation. My mother was very upset when my father refused to cut ties with that woman both of them know and even though my father was probably only enjoying chatting with that woman for female attention, I see it as causing as much potential harm on a family as physical cheating.
Anyway, I had been confused my X's behavior in the past. His wife often share family photos to his FB timeline as well as gifts she received from X talking about X being romantic and I thought they were really in love (and hence thought X was probably only pursuing a friendship with me as he loved his wife a lot and I was thinking too much when I thought he might be creepy). It wasn't until now that I learn some women do this on purpose as they know their SOs have been cheating and discourage them from pursuing more or fear their SOs will cheat so post these stuff for validation.
I don't think X will freak out if I have a boyfriend. More like my future boyfriend will freak out if this continues. He will probably see this as me trying to gain validation from other men. I don't know... I've tried fading out contact and it didn't work and I don't want this to continue until one of us pass away as that is lame.
I regret disclosing so much if my own stuff to him. When I was younger I tend to disclose my own personal stuff to people including my own family stuff, mental health issues, my occupation, etc. Will he "revenge" by exposing my own info to others? I am now a bit paranoid X will find this thread. Oh well, I need to stop freaking out.
[–]eveninghopeFDS Specialist 5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Sea_SoilFDS Specialist 2 points3 points4 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]eureka20221 points [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
I confess I was a huge asshole back in high school. I didn't see it as morally wrong to have a "friendship" as I didn't want sex nor him to leave his wife for me. I can't stand the thought of being a homewrecker but talked to him as I was attracted to him. I thought "friendships" like that were common. It's only when I'm older that I see it as wrong.
I've been seeing a therapist. I had been talking about struggling to make friends in the past and confessed to her a year ago that I realised the problem is that I'm an asshole. She was shocked. Anyway, I find it easier to make friends these days. I don't post about my past experiences in Am I the Asshole sub as I know I was the asshole.
I struggled a lot with social interactions as I've admitted. The texts were not that different from those I had sent to other ex teachers I had reached out to (I wasn't explicitly flirting) so I didn't see it as morally wrong.
Yup and I'm more aware of it now. Should I block him? I'm scared of him exposing the personal stuff I've told him as revenge (my family stuff, mental health issues, etc).
[–]Sea_SoilFDS Specialist 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]eureka20221 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
I didn't know about it until much older. I used to read relationship advice written by men talking about how their gfs are too sensitive about them being friends with women when it was just friendship and I believed them. I was really clueless.
And it wasn't just my behavior I wasn't aware of. My own father had also been somewhat emotionally "cheating" on mother by being really close to a friend both of them know who had been flirting with him. I was really naive back then. I thought they enjoyed chatting with each other as it was plain friendship and missed all the subtle flirting cues.
I was so stupid back then. The fight between my parents made me realise that what had been going on between me and X was inappropriate too. I wasn't 100% sure so decided to ask here before deciding to cut contact.
Actually I did that. I knew it would lead to nowhere and I didn't want to be a homewrecker. I felt really bad about liking someone married and I was really scared about him sensing it or other people noticing it. It felt like pure sin. Part of me talked to him because I was attracted to him but also because I didn't want to make my crush obvious by avoiding him 100% while not avoiding other teachers.
I have been replying to him less and less frequently. A small part of him wondered if he had feelings for me but I wasn't 100% sure which was why I didn't cut all contact. I thought "What if he's really innocent? If that is the case, cutting contact with him isn't fair".
I've thought about that but like you've said, I am not open to admitting my own involvement.
Will totally do that with zero regrets.
[–]Sea_SoilFDS Specialist 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]MakeURegret 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]eureka20221 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Now that I've thought about our past relationship, I really should be blocking him. He mentioned about two different events related to out mutual interests and asked if I wanted to go. I said no, mainly because I don't want to hang out with a married man not from my family. Thinking back on it, way more would have happened if I said yes.
I want to cut all ties with him. I am more scared of revenge. I'm scared of him exposing the personal stuff I've told him as revenge (my family stuff, mental health issues, etc).
[–]MakeURegret 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link