I feel like I already know the answer to this but just being heard would make me feel better. I’ve been fwb with this guy for ages, and yesterday right after we had sex he told me he didn’t want to do it again and to just be friends. Now, part of me felt relieved, this guy is emotionally exhausting, but when he said right after we had sex it made me feel disgusted with myself. I was raped, and overall every man I’ve been with has ended up abusing me somehow. This was the less damaging of them all, but it hit me very hard emotionally because of how used and disgusted I felt. I got my stuff and left his place instantly and he followed me outside to show he still cared. He waved at me as I drove away and I was dumb enough to wave back. I regret going there more than anything and I regret having sex with him. The physical feeling is near the same as when I was raped, just less pain. Same invasion tho.

I know I should block and delete. But if I do, he’ll think I was the one using him for sex, since he wants everything to be the same just without the sex. I’d be fine with this if he had told me under a different context and in a less cold way. But like this? I don’t think I have it in me. It was very hurtful, very cold. He said he couldn’t do “casual” stuff anymore, and he was done with relationships for a long time because of how much his “crazy ex” hurt him. All red flags, I am aware. Which just makes me feel more stupid, I see them and I don’t care because I just want to be held and wish I had someone who gave a fuck about me. My friend is still dating the guy she lost her virginity to and they’re so happy, I get so jealous of how well it worked out for her. I don’t resent either of them tho, they’re my friends and her boyfriend is my tattoo artist - resenting your tattoo artist is a terrible idea.

But I digress, I’m still very shaken up, this happened yesterday. If I block him he’ll think it’s because I don’t wanna be friends without the sex, and that’s simply not true. I know I shouldn’t care about what he thinks but I can’t handle him “winning” in this. I keep picturing him starting to date some other girl and mentioning me as that bitch who ghosted him after he said he didn’t want to be casual anymore, how HVM of him, she’ll think!

Advice would be very welcome.