Hello Queens,

I know this will be very infuriating, but I have to get it off my chest.

My father (a NVM, tbh) died less than a month ago. I subsequently met a guy on Facebook who had lost his brother and we started talking about death and our profession, since he's also a lawyer. This led to a whirlwind conversation that lasted for two days and finally he came down to meet me. And this is where I started violating everything FDS ever taught... But only because I was incredibly vulnerable and he did have some qualities that reminded me of my father. That very night he came to my house he started drinking and doing drugs, but I glossed over it since my father was also an alcoholic (that's how he died) and maybe subconsciously I wanted to make things right or whatever.

The following day he took me to his house and we spent the entire week there together. All the time he was drinking and snorting coke. (I know this is not even a red flag but an entire Soviet march, I know, but please remember the context). I still held on to the fact that he was extremely smart and I thought that I could learn about the profession by looking at him. We came back down to my hometown for a day, and then back to his house again. And that's when he woke me up from my sleep (I had an exam the following day) just to neg me and tell me that the books in my bookshelf were shit or something like that. Apparently he had just wanted to "test my ego". I stormed out and came back to my house.

The next day he invited me over to his house -he would pay for the Uber-, but I declined, and he did it again today, and I declined again by saying that maybe we should take it slow. He told me that I needed professional help and that the whole week he had just tried to help me, not be in a relationship with me, because I'm not ready for that yet. Yes, you read that right, an addict and alcoholic told me that I was like a charity case to him, basically. And I know I'm in a shitty situation - grief, bereavement, anxiety, agoraphobia, the whole nine yards. Yet he was trying to gaslight me into thinking that I was the pathological one. Then he blocked me and made me feel like I was annoying him by trying to just have a conversation.

I think that he felt rejected because I left his house and didn't trust him enough to go again after the heavy negging. I'm just angry because I let myself go through this just in exchange for some so called masculine "affection", and he really made me believe we had something going on, even if I knew that he was clearly below my league. I don't even know why I did this to myself, and how I could trust myself again. I'm so alone and so hurt.