Still unplugging, and she has postpartum depression

onmyownpath · 2016-08-22T23:09:17+00:00

Watch what she does - not what she says. For women, words are like water flowing over a rock. The rock is her problem and the words help wear it down. They are absolutely meaningless other than as a tool for her.

A huge mistake men make (myself included) is slipping into the pattern of listening to her and actually thinking the words have meaning. They do not.

Evaluate her actions and if she is doing what she should or what needs to be done. When she talks just say to yourself "let her say these words - she just needs to say them. They are not the truth."

A woman's truth is true right now - Men speak in different terms and it is very easy to forget that. Forgetting it leads to fights and butt-hurt.

I looked at my wife once long ago and said "Stop....Saying...Words" - this was very upsetting for her. I didn't realize what those trivial and often completely illogical words mean to her. Without the words - she cannot make sense of her life.

As her Captain, sitting and letting her talk will do more for her than anything else. The words are never wrong, even if they are. They mean nothing. Just let them flow over the rocks she is trying to wear down.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-08-22T15:50:38+00:00

Self diagnosed or did a doctor say that? Is the therapy a feel session, or is it with meds as well? I know there is actions on her part to fix this, fitness, diet, mental exercises? Is she doing any of these?

I find the difference is in how one approaches it. My former career was more than happy to medicate me on a whim (literally handfuls of Adivan, just had to ask), but end of the day, had to take a bigger focus on CBT and fitness/diet. The rest was a stopgap to make the transition easier than without.

Question you have to ask. Is she reveling in it, or actively trying to get out of it? Are you leading her to it? Is she generally worth doing it with? People get hooked on the emotional draw of constant depression, and at this point, you're fighting against the current IMO.

As for your direction, you can't fix her, only fix you. Nothing changes. Reward good behavior, don't reward bad behavior. You fucked up, you know it, you know where. Wake up tomorrow as if it never happened, and do it better next time. "Wisdom of sociopaths" has a great section on this. I call it goldfish memory. Most unhealthy shit is because of the attachment to the past and future in reacting to the present.

The reason that Oak is used is because they put up with all kinds of shit, and still stand there, at the end. Thinks bounce off the rock, but the rock eventually erodes away. The Oak is better than this.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-08-22T16:07:50+00:00

what you have to say about postpartum and dealing with it.

It's a chemical reaction but one can still lead a woman into a better place. You can't make it all better, but calm, stoic, confident leadership and an upbeat frame can make it much, much better.

not sure where to draw the line between listening to feelings and just doing my own shit.

If you are getting sex on the regular and not getting denied, I would spend 20-30 minutes every day just quietly listening to your wife vent. Don't try to solve her problems or argue into a solution. Be the Oak Tree who she can cling to in times of trouble. Offer some sympathy. Imagine if your 12 year old daughter was crying to you about something cute (but pointless) and react like that- hugs, squeezes and "Aww, I am so sorry that happened to my little girl."

If she is playing the sexual denial game- yes, even if she is "depressed" I don't make exceptions- then I would take that time away first and make yourself more unavailable.

screechhater · 2016-08-22T17:09:30+00:00

You need to get her out of the house, even it means walking around the block with the stroller. It is very tough for her, the whole time it was about her growing the baby and now its all about the baby now that the baby has been born.

As the captain you will need to schedule times and dates to get her active and out of the pit of feeling like no attention is on her, get her out and you need t remain stoic, confident and the leader with a lot of the answers as firm - even if you have to fake it, to make it.

Lots of good advice here. I have three kids from 12 to 20. Ask away. First birth was traumatic second and third tough, but it got easier as the third came along for her, and all of us

weakandsensitive · 2016-08-23T06:32:55+00:00

So.. what has she said she wants you to do to help her?

I love the I statements because it actually allows me to ask that question. When my wife is talking, I'll usually ask the question "What do you want me to do to help?" Sometimes it's just letting her talk. Sometimes it's taking some action. And sometimes I have to parse the language to help her understand what she wants - "so it sounds like you'd like me to do <x>."

Title	Still unplugging, and she has postpartum depression
Author	nopeToThe43rd
Upvotes	6
Comments	20
Date	August 22, 2016 3:15 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4z0zug/still_unplugging_and_she_has_postpartum_depression/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/still-unplugging-and-she-has-postpartum-depression.207211 https://theredarchive.com/post/207211

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