Hi I'm new here. I've been reading through so much of TRP, noFAP, meditation and other related subs because I recently got dumped from a relationship. I'm trying to heal.

During the time I was in this relationship, I feel like I completely lost touch with who I am. I changed into a new person, a type I'm not so proud of. I did so many things against my intuition and was hoping to get some personal help perceiving what I went through.

Before the relationship, I was in college. President of a club, hundreds of friends, and a sexy tan from springboard diving. I was getting date after date, sex after sex, and at one point was bangin two chicks at once. I had game. Every time I stepped in with someone, I kept my doors open, refusing to commit. One girl even snuck onto my laptop and changed my Facebook status to relationship. I had to change it back. Things were good.

I suddenly hit a short dead end for 2 months between January and March. Went through Valentines day and had nobody. Went after one girl who was a model for Disney, but it didn't take. Shit happens, can't always get lucky.

Then I met this one girl. Beautiful. 5 foot 9, 100lbs, 19 years old, beautiful. Told her she was cute, she asked me out to coffee, and things took off like I had never experienced before in my life. Every date out for coffee or hanging out lasted hours. First date was 5-6 hours, sitting in a coffee shop TALKING. I loved it.

As things went on, I found out she wasn't quite over her ex. She did everything in her power to stay away from him because he became a heroin addict and she just couldn't have it. Props to her for her strength, but I had to deal with her crying a lot. This is where I think I made my first mistake. Her inability to shift attention to me and off of him threw a red flag and a walked through it without even looking. At this point, I was still maintaining some of my dignity and told her to get her shit together, otherwise I won't have it. But I kept going with it.

She eventually gets over him and things seem perfect. Then one day I do something stupid. Why, I don't even know, but I barked at her for wanting to go to a concert with her friends without inviting me. It wasn't an insecurity kind of bark but may have come off that way. I was upset she hadn't thought of inviting me. It just seemed inconsiderate. She gave in and let me come along. Another red flag I chose to ignore, except this time it was on me...

In the next week or two, she then decides to dump me. Instead of saying OK and wishing her well, I advised she might be making a mistake. I had learned she had bipolar disorder and felt she was acting on runaway emotions. Two red flags, but I had to face one this time and move on.

I think it was 3 weeks later we start talking again. I sent her an email or two, because I felt like the reasons she had dumped me were regrets of hers and misunderstandings. She agreed and decided to show me she really wants the relationship. I then tried to establish conditions, that she never do this again (dropping cold out of stress), and that she instead try to work things out. Now I think this is the point where I've fallen off the deep end. Why? Because how twisted is it that I say I deserve better, but also say I need you?

Things continued great again. We were constantly talking, playing with horses, going to the beach, smoking weed and just being all around best friends. Over the course of the next 9 months, stuff began to fall apart. She was talking to me less, less happy to see me, more easily agitated, fighting with her mother a lot, complaining about our communication, started hanging out with guy friends, and sex was flat, boring, and "her way." don't ask how I put up with it, I don't have a clue.

One day I finally put my foot down. How come you never come over to my place? Why am I always driving out to you? Why are you always hanging out with your guy friends? Why do you seem emotionally checked out all of the sudden? She said I was neglecting the relationship, dumped me, and turned around next day and fucked a new guy. Started doing cocaine, grandmother died, turned into the worst shit show I've ever seen. I desperately, and I mean DESPERATELY, tried to fix this situation. I tried to figure out the problem, begged to work it out, promised to change. It took me 9 days of nonstop crying and beta bitch texting before I finally got over it and started to reflect.

Somehow I allowed myself to worship this woman. I think most of the reason why was her body. I had completely forgotten how to deal with her as a woman and instead treated her like a sailor moon pillow. That's all she was worth to me because she stopped acting like my friend, and I feel like she checked out because I took her back. But I don't get it. Would it have been better had I dumped her at the end? The beginning? Is there some other better way I could have handled it? Maybe that's too hard of a question to answer, but I just don't see how I let myself become so weak over a hot body. Any words of wisdom?

I really want to make sure I have my head screwed back on straight before I get back to the college and dating scene. I'm cooling down for now, meeting up with old friends, and hitting up plenty of Christmas parties. Nine days I've cried like a child and I'm tired of it.