Well shit. It's polite to put the TL;DR at the top, right? Been off the Internet for a few months...

TL;DR - long time red pillers who has walked the walk for 4 years caught Oneitis and needs some advice. Can't summarize the problem I need advice for, read the whole thing and process it. TRP isn't the place for half assed crap. Thanks in advance for reading what's about to turn into a wall of text.

Me: Don't care how you define alpha, I'm it. 6' 165# 10% body fat. Late 20's, business owner, home owner (no mortgage, its mine) in a social-proof neighborhood. No problems with approach, mid game, or close. Tinder is better than the dominoes app because I can usually get her to buy a pizza on the way over. Prestigious family, connections, the works. ENTJ and born with the right amount of sociopathy. Well dressed, we'll spoken, and usually have a visible cut from some extracurricular activity.

Weak spots - Long distance runner - hurts muscle mass, but that ain't changing. Gamer... Whoops. High IQ (we all know that's a problem). ADHD (and I'll burn you if you're remark is that ADHD is made up to sell drugs on behalf of feminism. Yes, it's over prescribed. I have no qualms about posting CT/PET scans... I prefer to medicate with modafinil).

Recent history: A few LTRs in the past years, mainly hookups though. Dropped plates when I got bored with em, went hunting and got a new one. No dry spells to speak of, have maintained at least 3 plates for past 2 years with the exception of LTRs. Post LTR took at most 4 weeks to return to 3. I know this is not Christian, and is a source of cognitive dissonance for me. (plates uniformly firm 8's)

Last LTR was a doozy. Got overconfident and missed a few red flags and the bitch was batshit certifiable insane. And I'm sure the distance between our SMV's drove her to prepare for me finally catching on to her actual SMV (8 body, 10 crazy). New locks, new social (identity theft is a bitch), new coat of paint on my truck, and a restraining order later... I'm fucking tired. And I want to resolve that cognitive dissonance.

After hiding in my house for a month while she was stalking around the property with her AR I got back into it. No amount of alpha stops a lunatic with good aim guys, don't get shot. No comments needed on the crazy bitch guys because A) I have collected 3 lawyers 😒🔫💳 and B) I'm not listening to you over them. This was 8 months ago and the loon still sends me love letters and lingere weekly. I box em up and bring em to the lawyers office every month - and everyone has a laugh at this shit she sent. Police enforcement where I live is a bad joke.

So I'm changed from this, or I woke up to the tide. I want kids, and the time investment in spinning plates isn't worth it to me anymore. I still am, but it's gone from fun and affirming to tiresome. If I still yanked it I doubt I'd even spin plates, would probably just hunt. At least there's a thrill there until you unhook her bra.

The problem:

Went on a date with this high 8 low 9 who turned out to be a rather chaste, intelligent, self actualized woman. Ran the LTR checks - parents together, no daddy issues, religious, etc. Game was tight; making my intentions clear, DHV, escalation, etc.

(believe me, I feel you, I want me to get to the point already too)

AND THEN

Somewhere between the 3rd location, sucking face all over the city, and being ON THE WAY TO MY DAMN HOUSE some fuse blew. We ended up talking the night away, kept drinking, but at some point 6am rolled around and... And... I woke up infatuated with this creature.

I can't believe this shit! It is wholeheartedly infuriating, but after 4 years of breathing all the lessons around here, nailing the concepts into my personality, having my pick of the women... I'm infatuated!? What the actual fuck brain - why are you doing this.

I hold my composure as we wake up but at the last few minutes I lost frame control. Or had less than usual... not sure. But she's getting on a plane home for 14 days to her parents for Christmas.

And what does an infatuated man who knows absolutely better do? Sends the first text. We text back and forth, some intellectual (I know, on Heartiste there'd be a witticism about her Vagina going all Mohave on me), mostly rapport building. And a few days later... I fucking double text!!! What the hell man, you know better. We go back and forth, and when she sends me a question I cut contact for 30 hours before she texts back (phew, got her to double back, so... May have avoided that Nosedive).

I need to clear my head, stop thinking about her when I pick up my guitar, stop reading journals about the things she's interested in (peer reviewed of course, I have standards) - so I call a plate and tell it to drop her plans.

Here's a first - never thought about another than the one I was with while I was "with" her before. The whole time this plate is talking it's making my skin crawl that it's not Ms. MRS. (get it, because I'm even thinking down those lines about this check). Shrug it off along with the plane's over the shoulder boulder holders, and couldn't think of anyone but Ms Mrs during. Thankfully did not affect performance.

I'm emotionally fixated on this girl like the blue pill 💊 betas I usually pity.

So...

1) Whiskey Tango actual Foxtrot is wrong with me? Why/how have I dropped the ball so damn hard on what's basically my entire game. I haven't just dropped the ball, I've lost it in the couch cushions. I'm writing stream of consciousness about my thoughts (helpful) and pouring over Dalrok's stuff on mate vetting. WTF

2) I haven't fuxked this up yet, but I'm skating that line. How do I not fuck this up?

3) How do I emotionally disengage from this? Important to not fucking this up, and not getting emotionally hurt (shit socks when you make a bad investment) regardless of outcome.

Yep, it's a wall of text. Wrote this on a phone so... Grammar and punctuation are bound to be flawed.

Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for the advice.

EDIT: Wow that's longer than I thought, and the Flair isn't showing up on my phone. So... hope I picked the right one? Anyway, I'm not one to drop this off and walk away (otherwise it'd be a vent). I will be reading comments and revising this post as this shit-show develops.